Can't Leave Nest Syndrome

We've all heard of Empty Nest syndrome - a phenomenon where a mother (or father?) feels sad or depressed, empty, when their child leaves for college or leaves the home. Well.. I think I may be experiencing the opposite. I think I'm experiencing Can't Leave Nest syndrome, where I'm too comfortable in my parents home and too afraid to spread my wings and fly. I'm like that one bird that never learned how to fly and just stays in the nest getting fat off of it's mom's worm vomit. Except in my case it's my moms cooking.

I guess a good reason for me wanting to stay, for now, is that I don't need to be anywhere else. I am finishing up my last year of college, so they're providing me with a roof over my head. I can imagine why others may be experiencing this made up phenomenon. The job market isn't the best now and young adults fresh out of college can't find jobs. However, I do think that once we become comfortable in the nest our parents have made, it's very hard to leave.

In high school many go through a rebellious phase where everyone just wants to get out of the house and says to their parents constantly: "When I turn 18 I'm gonna move out and you'll never see me agian!" Or at least that's what I said amidst bouts of anger. When we do go off to college or move out cuz we can, we experience the cold cruel world and either come out successful or crash and burn and want to go back home. I went away to college for my freshman year and I certainly experienced the second. I wasn't even really out in the real world, I was living in a dorm getting tuition, room and board, and food paid for by my dad; but even then, I realized I didn't want to be away from the nest.

The nest is comfortable. It's where we grew up, learned how to love, got our hearts broken, were comforted by our parents, etc. But it's the past. The future is full of new experiences, new memories and new people. We have our own nests to build now, we can't be crowding our parents nest. As much as I love my parents and the home I grew up in, there are certainly memories I want to leave behind and new memories I want to be made. Humans are meant to experience change, that's why we don't stay babies our whole lives. We develop into fully functioning adults (sometimes) who should be able to leave their nests!!

Part of the reason why I write this is because I am experiencing this little made up phenomenon and part of it is because I am finishing up my senior year of college with no expectations for the future. I hope to get a full time job and eventually move out and then go to grad school. But because of these feelings of Can't Leave Nest syndrome, I feel like I'm being held back.

Also, parents need to encourage their children to leave the nest. If parents are still holding their 20 something year old children by the leash, spoiling them with warm meals and presents all the time, the child will never leave because, well.. why would they. They have everything because the parents are providing everything. Parents!! Let your children go! If you have raised them right, they will repay you in the future. They will visit you and care for you and give you grandchildren, but they can't do that if you never let go of them in the first place. (Oh and don't make them feel guilty for leaving you to go make a life for themselves. They love you but need to leave the nest before their lives are ruined and they forever regress into childhood.)

Lack of Inspiration

I am having huge cravings to draw something.. anything, but for the life of me, I can't draw anything. Oh, it's the worst. I am so uninspired and unmotivated to do what I love. I even took a class this past quarter called "Creativity and Inspiration." That's how desperate I am to get inspired again. I guess it stems from my fear of not being good enough. (There's my inner psychologist talking..) Perfection can really hinder progress of any sort.

For example, when I start drawing something I, like many others, get frustrated when my line is shaky or my line drawing looks nothing like I wanted it to. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I just wing it and take it as it is, but most of the time I start and end very soon because of that frustration. I would give anything to just not give a care in the world and just draw my heart out - that is how you get better at something.. practice. How can I practice if I'm so afraid of failure?

This dumb fear is keeping me from doing something I love. Go away fear. Let me draw. ):

I have so many ideas, so many plans of drawing beautiful works of art, but they can never come to fruition if I don't face my fear. Maybe this winter break I can finally face that fear.

Winter Break

This is my third day on break and I managed to go Christmas shopping (kind of), spend more time with my mom than I would have in a whole year, and lose a lot of money by buying things that I'll probably never use. I've also been very lazy (if you can't tell), which isn't exactly the way I wanted to start this break. 

I am very fortunate to have such a long break but unfortunate that I'm the type of person that can waste away a whole 6 weeks and then regret it painfully. I don't want to waste this wonderful free time! I never get this much time to just read or write or actually do things I want to do. I've been working hard at finishing my last year of college. I became president of a group on campus that advises psychology students, and I've taken on quite a large course load for a senior. Not to mention I've been an intern and have a part-time job. I know, I know, other people do SO much more.. and I respect them and would never put myself through more than I'm doing now. The load I've taken on was abrupt and I basically didn't know what I was getting myself into. I went from having a lazy summer to doing a million things at once. Definitely a reality check. 

My job is a basic retail job that I should have gotten when I was 16, not 21.. but hey, I did say when I turned 21 I would do things I'd never done. I'm doing just that.. just different things than I thought I'd be doing. I thought I'd have enough Christmas money by now but I was wrong because I have terrible money management skills and part time jobs don't care about you making enough Christmas money because you screwed up. My fault, ugh. It's just sad that the people I wanted to feel special this season have to suffer because of my stupidity.

On a happier note, I get to see Disney's Frozen tomorrow with Ryan!!!! I'm so excited.. I've been waiting for this movie for like 6 months. I found out about it browsing IMDB and ran into it by accident. The only thing it had in the description was that it was based off of the story "The Snow Queen," so naturally I freaked out and that started a 6 month craze. It better be good, Disney...

After the hopefully wonderful and life changing movie, I will be going to Ryan's for Thanksgiving dinner with his dad. Yay food (: The day after, we're staying with my family and having a Thanksgiving here. Yay more food, I think.. And of course, after the dinner, we'll be putting up the Christmas tree. I already have things to put under it because I'm crazy. 

Oh, I just can't wait for Christmas. The season to be jolly is upon us and I'm so excited. Hopefully, my laziness will wear off and I'll want to do more fun things. A few things on my list include going to the city, going ice skating and getting my favorite Starbucks drink.

Hectic

I thought during the summer I'd have so much time to myself to write posts, read books and just relax all the time but I was very wrong. This being my last year of college, summer has been full of things to do and opportunities to take advantage of. I got an internship which I started a couple weeks ago and I had a few babysitting jobs here and there. I also got offered a job at DSW, which is a shoe store, that I've been applying to on and off for a few years. These are very exciting events, just stressful and time consuming. So, I haven't had much time to myself, especially during these past few weeks.

My last first day of college starts September 11th and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It will be my last year and I have piled up a bunch of stuff in my schedule. I am going to be a peer advisor in the psychology department and I accepted the Secretary position in the little peer advisor group, so that just more responsibilities. It should be exciting though and I feel like the fact that I'm going outside of my comfort zone is a good thing. I've always kept to myself and haven't really been very active in school club-wise or social-wise, so this should be good for me, not to mention it'll help make me look good on my resume (:

On another note, I am counting down the days until Fall starts... summer is kicking my butt. It is insanely hot and humid here, so the second those leaves start falling off the trees I will jump for joy and put on my favorite leggings and sweater and make myself the biggest and best cup of tea ever. I have a bunch of things planned for the Fall and I hope to actually get things done, like go to a corn maze and go pumpkin picking, things like that. Ryan and I are going to two Bears games this year, so far, so that should be exciting... hopefully they actually win. But again, I'm hoping the weather will be a bit more friendly. I can't wait until I get to wear my boots again.

There's a lot happening in my life now, so updates will be imminent. (:

I just wish I could get a few minutes of me time.. time to breathe. I am trying to slowly come back to my spirituality, but it's really hard when there's no time for it. I am attempting to learn to meditate, so we'll see how that goes. I guess meditation is good for stress and heart health, and those are definitely things I need to fix.. Also, working out is something I just can't figure out how to fit into my schedule... or eating right. I'm kinda just focused on school and work at the moment... and ugh, school hasn't even started yet. Maybe, when it does I'll be able to find some sort of balance between everything.

I've been watching Teen Mom 3 on MTV lately and I cannot figure out how those poor girls are keeping it together.. I don't have a child, and I can't imagine how hard life would be when you have to take care of another human being who is so helpless and dependent on you. I babysit, but that's nothing like having a child of your own and those 16-18 year old girls are doing it almost all on their own. I feel bad for them but I guess you get what you ask for, they decided to take risks of sorts and had to accept the consequences, it's just too bad those consequences are so life changing. Especially when they still have school and work to attend to, it just blows my mind how young mothers or even single mothers do it all while keeping a sense of sanity still. I think every mother deserves a medal or something...

But anyway, life is hard, blah blah blah.. hopefully mine will become less hectic, or at least a bit more manageable soon.

I'm on Goodreads now!

To see my reviews on books I've read, books I want to read and books I'm currently reading, go here. It's my goodreads page! I have 250 books collectively in each of the categories above. I love reading so if you have any recommendations, let me know! I love reading new books that I wouldn't have picked out myself or books that have just been shoved aside by the public. Anything that sparks my interest is good (:

Book Club

I am thinking of starting a book club with one of my close friends.. not a huge, super organized book club that's all official or anything.. just a little two person (for now) book circle where we read books and talk about them. It was her idea and I went with it because I always loved talking about books that I've read in school, but I never talked or added to the conversation because I was so shy. Also, sometimes things fly right past my head and I can miss a huge event in a book without even knowing about it, so talking about it definitely helps me understand and fully appreciate the book.

With two friends reading books and talking about them, it should be fun. I just hope this can actually become a thing. I read online many book clubs have themes for the books they'd be reading but I don't really think ours will have a theme, I kind of just want to read everything and anything. I don't know if that's good or bad, but we'll see! If this starts off I'll post things about books we're gonna read and our conversations about them and if it doesn't... well, I'll be sad.

In other news, summer sucks. My flowers still haven't grown and I kind of wish I was going back to school. I had a job and that flopped horribly. Part time jobs make me want to scream. I am attempting to start to write a book... I'm just missing a subject. No big deal, right... I have all my materials just no motivation. My internship doesn't start until fall and I failed getting a job so summer is just a bummer now. I did draw a little but haven't finished what I'm working on yet. It's good practice I suppose.

I've been watching a lot of T.V. shows like the Bachellorette and Pretty Little Liars. Thank god there are summer shows I can get into, even though they are ridiculous, just guilty pleasures of mine. I can't wait until fall!! The Walking Dead and American Horror Story and even Once Upon A Time will be back on. Summer needs to end asap, and I know I will be kicking my self when it actually ends, but for the time being, it's too hot and boring. Enough complaining, I'll find stuff to do and I'll start my attempt at writing a book, oh yeah, and the book club. (:

Tea Drawing

Just a quick drawing of a teacup I drew on my iPad in my downtime. Nothing special (the proportions are a bit off but I'm too lazy at the moment to fix it). Procrastination breeds creativity. (:

Junior Year: Check

My junior year of college has finally come to an end. I would say it was as rough as last year because last year I was a transfer student and was new to the school, whereas this year I just took tough classes. I'm glad I did and I'm glad I'm done. Next year will certainly be an adventure because I will be interning at an occupational therapy place for children for the duration of my senior year. 

That is crazy to think of... I am a senior now. This is my last year of college, which raises the question of "Well... what next?" Truth is, I thought I had all this figured out but I don't. I wanted to go onto a PhD program right out of college but I've heard so many professors and advisors say that maybe waiting a year to catch your breath and make some money is better. So I might go that route, however, I will still apply just to see if I could get in.. if that makes sense.

So, it's summer now and I'll have tons of time to blog and do other things that I haven't been able to do during the year like draw, read, crochet/knit, do arts and crafts and write. I have to organize a lot of stuff because I'm an organizing freak and I obviously have to make a summer bucket list. So, I'll post that on here once I finish it.

I also started drawing again.. well, I guess started is an overstatement. I drew one thing on my iPad and I'm attempting to finish it at some point in the near future. So I'll also post that.. I do want to start drawing more because I miss it.

My junior year is over, that's another one checked off my list. My mom even got me a cake! A delicious strawberry cheesecake that honestly tastes better than anything I've ever tasted before, so be jealous. I also got cookies which my mother hid from me.. so my next mission: Find Hidden Cookies! (:

Stressed and Frustrated

I haven't been able to write in a while because I'm so busy with end of the school year projects and papers and I'm trying to apply for internships (with no luck...), so my brain is mush at the moment. It's hard to even sit down and watch T.V. or read a book, which I haven't done since winter break. 

I decided last night at 10 pm that cleaning my room was an amazing idea. So that's exactly what I did. I sorted through my clothes and decided which to give away and which to keep - this was a bit of a sad activity since I'm somewhat attached to my clothes ): I ended up with a huge pile of give-away clothes and now my closet and my room are sparkling clean.. except for my desk. But, that I'll clean when school's over. Too many piles of books and stacks of paper to even begin to worry about organizing.

I'm doing a research project for my research class and it's driving me insane. I made the mistake of choosing gender as one of my independent variables and since I'm doing an online survey, I have to find 20 males and 20 females to take my survey! Needless to say, this has been one of my biggest stressers (second to finding an internship). It's so hard to find people that are willing to take a 5 minute survey because everyone's so lazy or just plain rude. I think I sent out my survey link to about 200 people and I only got responses from 44... and most of them are female. Where are the males!? If you're reading this and would like to help me out, click here (:

Internships... oh, internships... the biggest contributor to my lack of sleep every night. I'm in a 2 year program at my university where during the second year (next year) we need to be working at an internship site in order to gain experience in our field and stuff like that. While I would love to do one in Chicago, I prefer to do one at home because it would make my life that much easier. I'm tired of riding the train and wasting four hours of my life on trains and walking. If I got an internship downtown, it would just be more wasted hours. With this in mind, I still applied to Chicago internships but like 20 at home. I cannot believe that every single place emailed me back denying me because I'm not in a master's program or they just ignored me and never got back. How is an undergrad supposed to get volunteer and internship experience in order to get into a masters or PhD program if no one wants their FREE help?! It just makes no sense to me. I hope I can find something soon because this is just too much stress.

I just want to help people. I didn't know college would discourage me so much. I thought the point of college was to learn and enhance your aspirations and make your dreams come true. The process of becoming a professional helper is ridiculous and I almost wish I took a different path - one that involved writing and art. I do still plan on getting published either with poetry, short stories or fiction (or all) and I will get my PhD. These are things that will happen.

Oh, Snow White..

So, a few days ago I posted about my obsession with elephants... Well, I have one more major obsession that should adressed: SNOW WHITE!

Oh, I'm a child at heart and Snow White has been my favorite princess since I first saw the Disney movie when I was like 5. Not to mention.. she was the first ever Disney Princess. Anyway, my mom and I would always walk or drive to the library (it was close enough to where we could walk) and we would rent movies and books galore. The two movies I would always beg my mom to rent were Snow White and The Little Mermaid but I don't like Ariel too much anymore (possibly because EVERYONE in this world does and she's just way too overrated). I loved how innocent and connected with nature and animals Snow White was and I knew I was like that so BAM I'm Snow White now.

So I can't communicate with animals and I don't have a talented childish singing voice... I just have a childish singing voice and I talk to animals but they run away from me. That's ok though, because I still love them. She's also the fairest of them all and well... I'm not that pretty but... I'm kidding. I don't have black hair or red lips but my skin is as pale as can be and my hair is platinum so that's like the opposite of black. I consider myself the modern version of Snow White.

My Snow White obsession has been continued by friends and the boyfriend and it's sped way out of control and now my room is Snow White-ified. However, I have yet to get a Snow White tea mug, other than that I have everything Snow White I could have ever wanted. I also have a book about Snow White and some twisted stories along with the Grimm's fairytales and some Disney books.

 The cupcake kit, shot glass and jewelry box were given to me by my best friend and the doll and Christmas stuff was given to be by Ryan. The rest I bought cuz I'm crazy.. along with the shirt below and a sweatshirt. I also have the VHS of Disney's Snow White and the Diamond Edition of Snow White on DVD and BluRay. I'm a Snow White dork..

 I'm currently wearing this shirt. I also have a sweatshirt from Forever 21

I haven't gotten to the original Snow White by the Grimm Brothers yet, so don't spoil it for me. I have seen most Snow White movies: Disney's Snow White, Snow White and the who cares because Kristen Stewart ruined it (you can obviously tell I'm not fond of this version, however, the graphics were pretty cool), this weird Snow White movie from the 80's. Ok, so this list isn't helping... but I've seen a lot of Snow White movies. OH! and Once Upon A Time, which is by far my favorite Snow White representation, partially because I love how everything goes together. I absolutely adore Ginnifer Goodwin and I think she's perfect (other than me, haha) for the role of Snow White. If you haven't seen this series, shame on you.

I love Snow White and it is yet another one of my obsessions. I'm slightly upset that not that much Snow White merchandise is out there because I guess Snow White is completely underrated. I mentioned before, princesses like Ariel, Cinderella, and the two new ones Rapunzel and the Brave girl are way overrated and that's all you see in stores. But nevertheless, the best princess ever is Snow White.

My point of this long post is that I am Snow White's #1 fan / I am secretly Snow White. (:

The Original Sims

Oh my goodness. The Sims. This post is in honor of the recent announcement that the Sims 4 will be coming out in 2014. For those that live under a rock and have no idea what The Sims are... it is a game where you get to create people and basically rule their lives and do fun stuff with them. I don't want to say it's like you're God.. but it kinda is. I choose to look at it a grown up Barbie game (sorry to the guys that play this). 

I started playing this game when I was like 10 or 11 years old (all the good things happened to me when I was 10 I guess) because it was introduced to me by a friend that I sadly don't talk to anymore. ): I remember going to the library to rent all the games and it was the saddest moment of my life when I had to return them. Eventually I got my own copies. I remember all the original games and I have them all. 

The original Sims is the worst quality and possibly the crappiest game I have ever played.. but it was the best thing ever and still is. It brings to mind simpler times and just happy thoughts in general. This all was brought back to mind when I was on Facebook today and there was a link to this site on my wall that I just had to click on. First of all.. the music! I loved and miss the music. The music was what made the Sims the Sims to me. It gave me that wonderful happy feeling that I don't get when playing the newer versions. I remember being so excited with each expansion pack that came out. Pets, vacation, makin' magic! I never really got to play the last one too much because they had announced the Sims 2 and obviously I wanted to play that asap.

I loved the Sims 2, mostly because the graphics were way better than that of the original game, which was miraculous. I would have to say The Sims 2 was my favorite version because when the Sims 3 came out, I hated the graphics. I hated what the people looked like especially compared to the Sims 2. I feel like I bought into the scam of the Sims 3 and I kind of hate myself for loving this game so much. Basically all of it was the same as the previous version with slightly better graphics and a lot more glitches and problems. I didn't even buy all the expansions because they were almost the exact same as in the Sims 2 and at that point I realized I was being dumb and wasting my money. Plus, at $40 a game it's kind of ridiculous. I'm a college student, not a millionaire. I liked it better when it was just Maxis... ANYWAY, I was hoping for EA to bring back the Sims charm that I spoke of earlier in the Sims 3 but... that didn't happen.

Which brings me to my next point... EA announced The Sims 4 but there are still 2 expansion packs coming out for the Sims 3 and honestly, I don't know what to do (I know, what a dilemma, right?) I'm probably going to buy the Sims 4 when it comes out because I love the Sims but ugh, I don't want to waste money. I really hope it'll be the best thing ever and they stop making more after this (which won't happen but whatever), unless they completely butcher it and kill the Sims franchise, then I'll feel better because I would have gotten to be a part of the good part of the Sims. Oh my, I rambling on. 

I get that a lot of work has been put into this whole franchise and I can appreciate that, however, I'm disappointed that the focus has changed from community to money. Why can't seasons and pets be put into the base game: money. Why can't there be good clothes and hair in the base game: money. It's all about money (because EA really needs more money..) When I saw how much store content cost I was stunned! $10 for two pairs of clothes and two new hairstyles? Haha, I thought it was a joke at first but then I realized they were serious... and people were actually buying into this stuff. That's where I drew the line. I wasn't about to pay $20 for a new world and two new items just to make my game slower and more glitchy. It also made me rethink the actual value of the games and expansions and I just realized it wasn't worth it. The last expansion I bought was Seasons (the Sims 3) and I really don't think I'll be buying anything until I evaluate the Sims 4.

The reason why I play it and love it so much is because it's an escape from real life. You get to live your life however you want. You can be a rockstar or a celebrity chef or a painter (my career path in every game I play) but it kinda defeats the purpose if you have to sell your soul in order to play the games. Oh, money, why must thou destroy me!
  
I don't have high hopes for The Sims 4, but we'll see. I do love the Sims and I loved what it used to be, however, it just keeps getting more and more expensive and more and more crappy/ not worth the money. I might as well just go back to playing the original!

Nature is Weird

 

So today in my poetry class, it was Emily Dickinson day! Basically we read a bunch of her poetry and I wanted to share one (not the one I memorized) that we talked about on here. It has no formal name as most of her poetry is untitled, but its informal title is "A Bird, came down the Walk" and it goes like this:

A Bird, came down the Walk -

He did not know I saw -

He bit an Angle Worm in halves

And ate the fellow, raw,

And then, he drank a Dew

From a convenient Grass -

And then hopped sidewise to the Wall

To let a Beetle pass -

He glanced with rapid eyes,

That hurried all abroad -

They looked like frightened Beads, I thought,

He stirred his Velvet Head. -

Like one in danger, Cautious,

I offered him a Crumb,

And he unrolled his feathers,

And rowed him softer Home -

Than Oars divide the Ocean,

Too silver for a seam,

Or Butterflies, off Banks of Noon,

Leap plashless, as they swim.

So In class we talked about how on this poem, Emily Dickinson is basically stating how weird nature is. The little bird she is watching devoured a worm but skipped over the beetle and let him pass - this is the weird selective nature of the bird. She offered the bird a bread crumb and it flew away, also drawing on human to animal connection and how there is none.

I bring up this poem because a similar thing happened to me today. I was sitting in the parking lot of the train station, in my car with the door open because it was hot. I parked near a grassy median area where a bunch of dandelions grew. These three little birds were pecking and playing in the flowers and it was so adorable. I didn't grab my phone like I normally would because I wanted the birds to stay instead of potentially scaring them off. I think they noticed me and two flew away but one dared to stay and kept pecking at those dandelions, occasionally looking at me. It was cute but this poem basically reminded me of this morning encounter. I wished I could be like Snow White and talk to the birds and stroke their little feathers but I know that would never happen.

Speaking of birds, the bird feeders I put up are half eaten, but I never see any birds there! It makes me sad but whatever, I hope they're enjoying it. And if the squirrels are eating it, I'd be very mad... Let's hope that's not the case.

Elephants

I think I have a tiny obsession with elephants..

They are so innocent and sublime. They are so beautiful and I hear they're super nice. The artwork I see containing elephants is wonderful and I wish I could get back into my art so I could contribute. I do feel, however, that the elephant, along with the owl, have become symbols for this hipster movement that has plagued the nation. I love elephants and I love owls but I certainly am not a hipster. I'm Agunia and I like elephants, that's all.

I think my love for elephants stems from the Polish tradition that an elephant is a good luck charm. The first time I went to Poland, alone at age 7, one of my relatives gave me this tiny brown porcelain elephant and told me to always keep it with me because it would bring me good luck. So I did and I don't know if it ever gave me good luck but I thought it was so adorable, I started collecting little figurines of porcelain elephants from Poland. I think I have like 6 in my room now. Now I just love elephants and think they're cute and wonderful.

I still carry that tiny brown porcelain elephant with me everywhere. I can't leave the house without it.

However, now, my mother tells me that elephants are symbolic of fertility and that because I have so many elephants I should throw them away because I'm gonna get pregnant. Okay mother...

I love my elephants, and they ain't goin' anywhere. I got to ride one once. Oh, it was wonderful. My parents had taken me to this circus museum in Wisconsin and they had an elephant riding station so obviously I had to ride it. I want to go back so bad but I went there 10 years ago and I don't know if this place still exists. I don't know of any other place that let's you ride elephants.

I even have a little handmade elephant ring that Ryan got me.

Little girls grow up loving horses (I hate horses, I don't know why) and I grew up loving elephants (:

By Kate Alizadeh

Color Me Rad in Chicago

I just entered to run in Color Me Rad in Chicago July 20th!

I'm excited because I have wanted to do something like this since I first heard about it a couple months ago. I love the idea of coming out of this with splashes of color all over your body. I have also always wanted to run a marathon even though I was always afraid to register/ I knew I'd never be able to complete one. 

I'm not planning on running the whole thing... I don't even know if I plan to run at all. Since this is my first time and since I always hated running in elementary school, I want to take it easy. The people I'm going with, Ryan and a friend, want to run. So, awesome, I guess I'll be doing this alone! I still think it's a big step for me since I don't run, period. I'm not athletic and I don't pretend to be. I don't want to be athletic either, I just want to try something new and I know, or at least I've heard, that this event is really fun.

Plus, I'll get a free shirt out of it (:

I eventually want to do the marathons for people to run for cancer and other diseases because I feel like it would feel good to donate and run (or walk) for a good cause, not to mention it would be beneficial for whatever charity the event is for. I remember in high school everyone would do Relay For Life and I always wanted to do it but no one ever invited me to join their group. Oh well, now that I don't feel embarrassed to be alone (I am going with my boyfriend and friend so I won't be THAT alone), I'm going for this!

Plus, it'll be beneficial for my health and blah blah blah. Most of all, I'm going for the fun of it. The fact that I get to do something actually fun in the city instead of doing something boring and stressful like taking the trains and going to school is different and refreshing so I'm certainly excited for that.

I'd like to get more involved in stuff that goes on in the city but it's hard to when you commute and getting around is just so difficult and exhausting. Maybe I'll move there sometime soon..?

Side note: To participate in a color run like this near you go to the Color Me Rad website or Google search for any color run you'd like to participate in. It is expensive, but I'm hoping it's worth it!

Music is Empowering

Everyone has their own musical preference, something that takes them out of this world and into one of their own. For me that is edm, electronic dance music. It used to be called techno and I'm so used to calling it that but I guess that changed since I was younger... I started listening to edm when I was about 10, maybe a little older, but my cousins worked at bars and whenever I was at their house or in their cars they would have edm blasting and obviously, being European, I fell in love.

I got my first edm cd shortly after from a neighbor who was younger than I was, by Dj Markski, a local Dj in Chicago. Again, I fell in love and it was literally all I listened to. I loved it for how it made me feel. Obviously as a preteen I didn't know the culture surrounding edm and when I grew older I didn't care who listened to it and the stigma around the culture, I still loved it.

Long story short, I love edm and it makes me feel wonderful even when I'm at my worst. It got me through some tough stuff and unlike people who come and go, music is always there for you. I found solace in it and it empowered me. Even today I listen to some trance or house when I feel down and almost immediately I'm dancing around in my room with a smile from ear to ear. It's wonderful.

I definitely don't like the stigma around edm - the fact that apparently everyone has to be drunk and rolling when they go clubbing or go to festivals. Ha, not true. I certainly don't do that and never plan to. I like the MUSIC, not the people. I stress this because growing up, my parents never let me go to clubs or any events with my favorite Dj's for fear that I might grow up to be some drunk or druggie or something. I never got to be in my favorite environment, I never got to experience the one thing I loved and helped me get through my tough times. I could only sit back and watch my friends, who knew nothing about edm and made fun of me for listening to it before it got popular, go to these fun events and enjoy themselves doing whatever they did. I just wanted to go for the music.

I still love it and I'll always love it, even when I'm 60. It's what makes me me. If you're interested in edm, i suggest checking out Armin van Buuren (my love), Cosmic Gate, Dash Berlin, Avicii, Flux Pavillion, Nero, Krewella (I'm currently obsessed with them, and they're from Chicago!), Tiesto, Markus Schulz, Ferry Corsten (his and Armin's song Brute is amazing), Porter Robinson (also, a current obsession), oh the list goes on! Djmag.com is a great resource to check out new djs and who's popular. Also, Pandora or Spotify electronic, dance, or trance stations help a lot too. Oh, and if you're in the Chicago area, listen to Dance Factory! (: 

                     My dream is to go to EDC, Electric Daisy Festival, in Vegas. One day (:

Of course, explore and find what speaks to you. This is just my passion, and I certainly accept the fact that everyone has different tastes. One thing to keep in mind is never conform to what others are doing. Find you, not them.

Update on My Flowers

So, my mom killed my flowers....

Ryan's flowers are still in tact but mine are in the garbage. I planted new ones and a lot of them. Hopefully these will grow and not end up in the trash. I planted red Poppies instead of California Poppies (I couldn't find those), and I planted a bunch of wildflowers. I also bought bird food! So, hopefully lovely birds will visit my backyard. However, it's not very nice out today so I doubt any creatures will venture outside today or for the next few days for that matter.

Oh Spring...

Chicago weather sucks. Don't come here, you'll just end up really confused and with constant headaches from traffic, construction and the indecisive weather.

Other than that, have a wonderful day! (:

Memorizing Poetry

I am in a poetry class this quarter, which I may or may not have mentioned already, and one of our assignments was to memorize a poem. When I first heard about this assignment, I freaked out, to say the least. I am so awful at memorizing things and with memorizing a poem comes recitation... So, I had to memorize stuff and recite it in front of 20 some students and my professor. You can just imagine how excited I was about that...

I searched and searched online for something short and understandable (it had to be 14 lines minimum) and I remembered hearing a lot about Emily Dickinson so as a last ditch effort, I looked her up and found this poem that I ended up choosing to memorize:

There is another sky,

Ever serene and fair,

And there is another sunshine,

Though it be darkness there;

Never mind faded forests, Austin,

Never mind silent fields--

Here is a little forest,

Whose leaf is ever green;

Here is a brighter garden,

Where not a frost has been;

In its unfading flowers

I hear the bright bee hum:

Prithee, my brother,

Into my garden come!

Fun side note: It is three days after my recitation and I wrote this on here without looking at the poem (:

Now at first I just liked the poem because I like gardens and this poem referenced gardens so I thought.. Why not? Not only am I horrible at memorizing stuff, but I'm horrible at understanding poetry as well. I had a hard time understanding this one but through hours of searching the internet, I finally found a wonderful explanation that I actually agreed with after analyzing the poem myself (Click here to read the full analysis by Linda Sue Grimes). Basically she says that Emily Dickinson is calling out to her brother, Austin, to come into her everlasting world of poetry she has created. She feels safe in this world and she just wants Austin to experience it by reading it. I think Emily Dickinson does a wonderful job hiding this meaning within this beautiful metaphor.

So, a big part of Polish culture is literature and since I had the great pleasure of attending Polish school for about 12 years, I was able to take part in a wonderful yet arduous tradition of memorizing famous poems. Poems such as Adam Mickiewicz’s epic poem, Pan Tadeusz, or Jan Brzechwa’s silly and melodic children’s poems stuck with me throughout the years. I was certainly not a newcomer to memorizing poetry but I remember being very anxious when reciting Polish poems in front of classmates or the whole Polish school because Polish words, especially in poetry, are particularly hard to pronounce. Also, along with memorizing poetry for school, being a Catholic and attending Polish school, memorizing prayers was a must. 

I don’t remember ever needing to memorize anything for normal, American school; however, as I got older, public speaking tended to be important and memorizing presentations became a priority. My lack of practice with memorizing things in English caught up with me and I freeze whenever I must speak in front of anyone.

To help with memorizing the poem, I broke it into seven sections of two, essentially seven couplets, and decided to attack it couplet by couplet. Eventually, I had the first four lines and the last two memorized perfectly and only struggled with the middle eight lines. I came up with an interesting way to memorize the middle, which included a mnemonic sort of device; since the poem repeats a few words, I came up with a pattern and used it to aid me in memorizing the order of the words. For example, the fifth and sixth lines start with the words “never mind” and the seventh and ninth lines start with the word “here” and also, the twelfth line has the word “hear” which sounds like “here,” so I used that to my advantage as well. Using my technique, I had the poem memorized by the end of the day. Another technique that proved helpful for me was actually visualizing the poem, especially since the poem I chose was very vivid.

The memorization wasn’t as treacherous and time consuming as I thought it would be, and if my memory was better I would certainly consider memorizing more poems. 

Through memorizing this poem, I noticed the beauty in poetry and it gave me a change to read into a poem more than I ever would just glancing at it for class. It gave me a new appreciation for the complexity of poems and the talents of poets. Even though this process of memorizing and reciting is not something people would look forward to, I believe every class should require something of this sort. Since I have horrible memory, I feel like this activity almost helped me with my memory. Also, I think it's really cool that I have something stored in my head that I can recite if asked to. I definitely feel proud of myself and I didn't mess up when i recited it, even though I was so paranoid that I did. 

Memorize stuff! Be proud of yourself! It feels wonderful to get so close to a poem and feel what the poet felt when writing it.

We Are Not Immortal

With all the horrible things happening in the world today, one can sometimes get lost in the tragedy of others. We think of how horrible it is that whatever happened to them happened to them. We feel bad and pray for them, at least I do. Maybe some of us put ourselves in their shoes, maybe we don't.

When we were younger, teenagers, life was great wasn't it? Nothing could ever go wrong. You never got hurt. No one ever died. Nothing ever happened to you or your family or your friends. You were invincible... Until something actually did happened. Well, then it's time to grow up fast. That's when you learn that people die, people get hurt, and that could include you or your loved ones.

When I was younger, I knew about cancer and other terminal diseases and illnesses, but I never thought any of that would happen to anyone I knew. Until it did. The first time it did, I was too young to understand. But, the second time... The second time was a huge reality check. I was not invincible. If someone I love can get cancer, it can certainly happen to me or others I love.

The big thing people don't understand is something I mentioned above: when we were younger, we thought we were invincible. That's part of the reason why teenagers are so reckless, they don't understand this concept because they've never been exposed to it, until they are exposed to it.

I'm not saying I was reckless before, but I'm certainly too careful now. The world isn't safe, maybe it never was. But, that shouldn't stop us from living the one life we are given. This is something we forget also. We aren't immortal, but we should at least live life to its fullest whether we are terminally ill, wheelchair bound, differently abled, depressed, or completely healthy. I admire those that do even  in the midst of all this terrible stuff happening.

Spring is Here!

I planted some flowers!

I can't put up any pictures yet because dirt is just boring. But the flowers I hope will spring up are California Poppies and Coleus.

                              Poppy                                                                                                                                  Coleus

I hope they grow... I've had awful luck with flowers. They never grow for me. Ryan planted the Coleus and the Poppies are mine. I will sing to them and read them stories! Not really, but if that worked, I would definitely do it. I also want to plant watermelon and pumpkins but I think those are basically impossible for me to grow, so I'll stick to flowers for now..

I want to grow a flower garden and have tea in it! I will draw my vision one day and post it on here. This is my dream and it will happen. (:

In other news, I am taking a poetry class this quarter and I love it. I normally don't read or write poems plainly because I don't understand them but maybe that was just my lack of exposure and lack of learning about them. I have become slightly more familiar with poems since my last class on creative writing so I didn't come to this class totally unknowing. I'm hoping to learn more about poems and give my life more meaning basically by learning to express myself (through looking at other people's poetry) in a deeper way. - Definitely part of the bettering myself process.

I hope my flowers grow!

Poem 2

Another poem I wrote for an English class:

The House On Maureen Drive

On the night we arrived to the house on Maureen Drive
thunder struck every five minutes and rain showered down from above.
As a five year old who thought dinosaurs were still alive,
the sound made me clutch onto my mothers damp polka dot dress
every time the sky was illuminated.

A few years later this place became my home.
My room was my safe haven,
with white walls, a tiny Tweety bird covered bed,
an old Windows ’98 computer and Barbies scattered around
keeping me safe from the world outside.

Outside were familiar faces
who throughout the years became family.
Outside was the familiar street
which I walked down every day to the bus stop.
Outside was where I spent my time
playing pretend and tag and hide-and-seek with other children.

The house on Maureen Drive was nothing fancy,
one story ranch style with a two car garage,
beige siding and a large grassy backyard.
It became my home and when it was finally time to say goodbye
I barely looked back.

This one I was specifically proud of because I finally put into words my feelings about my childhood home. It was a place that I loved and I still miss it everyday. It's hard going back and I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it will forever be in my heart.

I Have My Old Job Back!

Two years ago I started working for a single mother and her 2 year old boy and I loved it. I slowly got let go this past winter because of my school workload and her change of job/ not needing me the days I was available. This was my first-ish job and I loved it. I made a lot of money and I was in a good environment watching a really sweet little boy who loved when I was over. When they stopped needing me, of course I was sad. It was a great job. I even tried getting other babysitting jobs and they were nothing like this one, I didn't feel as comfortable or accepted.

When I found out last week I was needed again, I felt wonderful! It's an exhausting job but it's totally worth it. Whenever I'd see kids around, I just wanted to talk to them and help them with stuff, that's how much I missed babysitting, so when I got news of this job, I was very happy.

Today was my first long day back (9.5 hours, didn't feel like it though) and it was wonderful. It's like this was what I was missing from my life. I don't have any siblings or anyone really to talk to and when I'm babysitting at this place, I feel like an older sister and a friend. They treat me very well and I feel comfortable. It works with my schedule so no added stress there and it'll work with my upcoming internship (that I still need to find..) because it's mainly Sundays.

I'm so lame for getting so excited over a job. But, it's nice to get out of the house and make some money since I am, of course, a poor college kid. (: Plus, it helps with my exposure to kids since I'm working towards a PhD in child clinical psychology (eventually), and I'm helping out a mother in need, so it makes me feel good about myself.

Long story short, I'm very happy that I have an opportunity to work back here again.