Christmas Shopping

Wow okay, so it's not even December yet, but the pressure to get the perfect Christmas present for your loved ones is on. Not just that, but making the perfect Christmas list so others can get you things you actually want as opposed to things that will just sit in storage for the whole year until they come to visit and you need to put it out and pretend like you love their gift (I'm exaggerating). But really, making a Christmas list shouldn't be so stressful.. but it is. You don't want to sound too needy or spoiled, but you don't want to put things that you really don't have any use for on your list.

My list:

Most of my lists start off with cheap little things that I always have uses for like socks or scarves. Then it delves into things like books and DVD's that I've been dying to get all year but never really had the funds for (mostly movies that I am obsessed with.. nowadays buying DVD's is almost pointless anyway..). Then it goes into pretty expensive things like shoes, coats or clothes that I just need (debatable), then I stick in a few outrageous things like a T.V. or new phone or a puppy (hey, it's worked a few times on my parents!), then I conclude my lovely list with things like "world peace" or "health for everyone".. which obviously my parents can't get me either of those things, but I like to put a few selfless things on my list.

Anyone who gets my list pretty much hates me because the lists are super unhelpful, and I usually only get one or two things off my list anyway, which is more than what I expect to get anyway. So, this year I'm trying to be more practical... I asked my mom for shoes, and that's pretty much as far as I got. Again.. it's still November, so there's still time. Giftcards are always good gifts to ask for because then I can just buy things that I normally wouldn't have money for, and the few extra dollars help... especially if you're obsessed with really expensive things like I am (it's a curse). But anyway, back to my earlier point.. how do you tell people what to get you without sounding like a selfish, spoiled brat? Well clearly I haven't mastered that yet... but I think my idea of giving people options makes them feel like they need to get me everything off my list.

So, I've dabbled in assigning people one or two things to get me. I've made lists specifically catered to the person I'm giving it to. Ryan gets a separate list and my parents get a separate list. But even then, how much is too much? I don't want them to just "make it up as they go along" because we all know how picky I am, not in a mean way.. just in a... picky way (I know, I know, I'm a terrible person). Even so, all I'm ever serious about getting is books and recently, clothes. So if I get that, I'll be happy. Girls are not easy to shop for. We're too picky.

Now onto more important matters...

Shopping for Others:

Why is Christmas so hard.. who came up with giving gifts anyway? I love giving gifts.. nothing warms my heart more than watching the receiver of your gift open it up and smile in awe and hug you with thanks. But also.. nothing hurts more than putting your whole heart into a gift and receiving the complete opposite reaction. Which is why giving gifts is so hard. You hope and hope that the receiver is going to absolutely love your gift.

I, however, think I have found a sneaky, secret way around this problem. HOMEMADE GIFTS!

I'm serious.. nothing is better than receiving something that you know someone spent so much time on.. even if it looks hideous or you have no idea what it is. This is why I love when little kids draw me pictures. They put their whole hearts and imaginations into creating whatever scribbles are on the paper and when they explain to you what it is they drew, you can't help but smile. Same goes for homemade gifts, even if you have no idea what it is or have no use for it, you can't help but put it on a pedestal because some person thought about you and made something with their own hands instead of going to the dollar store and picking up some ridiculous gag gift that you would never in a million years buy for yourself.

There's a sort of charm in homemade gifts and I love them. I love making them and receiving them. It is such a wonderful feeling when the receiver of your homemade gift looks at it and talks about how cute it is then asks where you got it... then you say you made it and they completely flip out. That's when you know they're gonna cherish that gift forever. Obviously, I'm not the only one who has caught onto this secret.. we have websites like Pinterest and Etsy and I'm sure tons of people buy homemade things as gifts.

Of course... don't rely solely on homemade gifts... buying the person socks or a toaster is great too, especially if they've been begging for one all year. Making a gift is just a nice add on.

Which brings me to my next point... men are impossible to shop for. Yeah.. I can make a homemade whatever, but what in the world do you get your boyfriend, father, husband, guy friend.. whatever. What comes to mind first is socks (seeing a trend here?) and giftcards.. I know, I'm so creative. I used to draw Ryan stuff, until I started doubting my talent and I stopped doing that. But I guess that would count as homemade, too, then. I always have the hardest time shopping for the men in my life. I search the internet far and wide and come back with nothing. The best I've gotten is shoes and records for Ryan and a sweater for my dad. For the life of me, I can't shop for them. I'm trying something new this year, but I'll have to write about that after presents are open because I know Ryan reads this (:

In conclusion: 

• Homemade gifts are always wonderful. 
• Don't overwhelm your friends and family with unrealistic gift ideas (unless it's a joke and you don't want any Christmas presents). 
• Gift cards or books are always nice and easy gifts to ask for.
• If you don't know what to get someone, search Pinterest  

And one more thing.. Christmas isn't just about gifts. I know I spend a whole post talking about gift problems, but Christmas is all about the spirit and being with those you love. If you're religious or spiritual, reflect on what the season is all about. If you aren't, go help out at a homeless shelter or donate some canned goods or do something good for those less fortunate than you. Christmas isn't all about giving and receiving.. it's about love. 

I'll be posting more about the holidays after Thanksgiving, haha, I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a gift hungry privileged person.. because at the end of the day, all I want is for there to be more good in the world.

I Disappeared... Now I'm Back (For Good I Hope)

I have a hard time sticking to things that haven't been turned into habits yet... blogging is one of those things. Not just that, but I feel like you have to be in the mood to write, and I haven't been in the longest time. Lame excuse, I know.. but now that I'm not in school anymore, my whole life has been turned upside down... more work (I'm still at a part time job..) and more time to think about where I went wrong and how to come back from it.

When I say "where I went wrong" I don't mean my life sucks and I live in a ditch.. I mean why am I not motivated anymore and how to remotivate myself. I've made a few posts on here describing my lack of imagination, but I think my lack of motivation might be connected to that. One has to be extremely motivated to get into a PhD program.. I know I want to get mine, I just don't think I have enough motivation to push me along. ]

Yeah, yeah, lazy is the first word that comes to mind, but it's so much more than that. It's fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of not being good enough, and fear of wasting time (woah, fear overload). Which is funny because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. But in a way, I'm not. I'm still working towards my goal, just indirectly. I've applied to a few full time jobs that deal with children, which will put my psych skills to use. But, getting a job with just a psychology bachelors is difficult.. and I don't want to be stuck in an office filing paperwork.

So enough about my terrible lack of motivation... the reason why I'm starting to write posts again is mainly because I want ideas flowing in my head again. I have a whole list of topics to write about, and I hope to get through all of them eventually. I've started sketching again and hope to post some of those as well. I want to start writing poetry and short stories as well, but that takes motivation (there's that pesky word again..)

Nevertheless, winter is fast approaching and I love it! Of course, I'm sick at the first sign of cold weather, but that's ok winter, I forgive you. I've already made a mental Christmas list and I know what I'm getting/doing for my loved ones. I might post those ideas on here as well, although, there's always the risk that they might actually read this (hahaha, of course they won't..)

My poor nose, I'm gonna go blow my nose 800 times and drink gallons of tea now!

Poem 4 Revision

The creature is most vulnerable during the nighttime

Work, school, internship,

Repeat.

Work, school, internship.

10:00 PM  –

Bedtime

for a college student.

Face off.

Makeup off.

Brick rose,

alabaster,

flowing down my

cheeks.

Watercolor masterpiece

in the ivory sink.

Eyeliner and mascara

massacre.

Devil eyes.

No.

My eyes.

When I think

of you

I find myself

through the mask.

When the façade

disappears,

I miss you.

The reason why I'm posting this revision is because I really liked it. It was interesting turning my prose poem into this choppy two-word-per-line poem. I even think it flows a little better since it's so dark and the choppiness adds to the tension.

Graduation: Finally-ish

So, I graduated magna cum laude... I earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology. It was a long 3 hour ceremony (not to mention the four years of hard work, ha), but I did it. I managed to not make a fool of myself. I did decorate my cap and didn't know how much I would stand out, but no one seemed to notice. It did help my family find me in the crowd and it kinda made me feel a tiny bit more proud because I thought it looked adorable!

It was really sunny that day, not to mention it was Father's Day, but the pictures we took after the ceremony turned out decent. We were all squinting at the camera, which is why I'm making a funny face in the picture below.

 

Me and Ryan with my diploma cover and flowers from my Dad

I was happy, but now reality kicked in and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I got good grades, I have a degree now, and some job experience.. but I don't even know if I'm ready for a full time job. I see how miserable everyone is in their own jobs and I kind of still want to experience some happiness before I have to commit myself like that.

Also... I'm still planning on going to grad school, so how does all that fit in with a full time job? I think I've convinced myself to procrastinate on getting a full time job until I'm like 30..

For now it's summer and I want my last summer to myself, so maybe I'll write some more poetry, short stories, draw or read some books during this time. I haven't yet, but who knows, maybe I'll get inspired. Inspiration comes when you least expect it.

So far I've been creating some new rings with beads I bought not too long ago and I've updated my Etsy shop with a few of those new rings, so check them out! 

Poem 6 - Inspired by Mary Oliver

Silver-Hooves

In fall

   the rustling of leaves

            on the forest floor

                          is the result

of the silver hooves

    that belong to the deer.

            It tiptoes through the maze

                           of hundreds of trees

thinking it is being cleverly silent

     while startling every wild rabbit,

            red fox, and sleepy owl in sight.

                           With each step the crackling

of leaves gets louder and more obvious

      until the red stares from dark holes become clear.

               The whole forest, even the trees judge the deer

                           for its silver hooves that created a nightmare.

"Time Off"

I have a huge mental list of things I want to do this summer/ during my time off from school. I think the first thing is to figure out a name for my "time off" so I don't have to keep saying "time off" and sounding like a loser. (Keep in mind, this encompasses a year and a half)

The next few things on my list include getting back into some of my old hobbies that I never had time for during college. That includes drawing (which I have miraculously gotten better at), reading, (because I have around 50 books that I bought in the hopes of eventually reading them...), making jewelry (because I got new beads!), and writing (after taking a poetry class, I am more experienced in the art of poetry... not).

But I also have to keep in mind finding a job and getting more experience in the psychology world so I can get into a PhD program. But this will come after summer. I think I deserve a chill summer of doing nothing. I know most college kids that have graduated (funny how we're still called kids...) are starting their jobs right away, but I don't think I'm ready for that. I didn't get time to enjoy life during college, I think three to four months of life enjoyment is way overdue for me. 

During this time I'd also like to take a trip somewhere to refresh my mind. I was hoping to go to Poland to spend time with relatives and enjoy nature, but due to weird circumstances, I don't think that's entirely possible. Next on my list: Iceland, New Zealand, Ireland, Sweden... haha I'm kidding. Minnesota will do just fine. (:

Poem 5 - Take a Guess What This One's About (:

               Burned Wet Flesh 

The awful screech of a teapot ready
reminded me of something from Poe’s poetry.

Phone in hand, I poured the hot water
quickly but carefully as not to falter.

Sugar was next but what I didn’t know
Was that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Steaming water danced across my leg
and left red candle drip marks while I begged
for the pain to stop and the bubbling burn to cool.

No amount of ice was the right tool
that would help me overcome what I now know
that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Last Day of Classes of my Undergraduate Career

Today was it.

Today was my last day of classes at my university. Four years of hard work, three years of commuting, two years of being in my human services internship program, one year of being president of peer mentoring all ended today. I graduate June 15th and it's safe to say that I will be sad.

I really have nothing more to say at the moment because I am trying to take it all in.

Next steps to be determined...

Poem 4 - Prose Poetry

Life would be easier if you were here

 It’s 10:00 PM now – bedtime for an overworked college student. I go to my bathroom and stand in front of the full sized mirror for a few minutes, staring the bags under my eyes until I finally decide to take my face off. Brick rose and alabaster flow down my cheeks into the sink creating a watercolor masterpiece. The bags under my eyes are covered with a mixture of mascara and eyeliner and when I look back up at the mirror I see the devil. But then I find my eyes amidst the massacre and splash cold water on my face to wipe away the day’s mask.

As I slide under the covers I notice

I’m all alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very vivid dream last night which started off with me opening the door to my new apartment. This sounds normal, except for the fact that I'm nowhere near ready to move out, but ok, so I walk into my new apartment. The theme was circus. Now, I don't know what pops into your mind when I say that, but what I mean by "circus" is that everything had bright colored stripes. But it looked elegant and everything matched. It was very bizzare.

So again, even though I just walked into a circus house, that's still not the weird part. What's weird is what happened after I surveyed the area. I walked through my wonderful new apartment, first through my new kitchen, then my new living room area, and as I walked through a hallway to what I guess was supposed to be my room, there was a huge whirlpool bathtub like thing in the master bathroom - like the ones rich people have. It was this large bathroom that looked breathtaking. Ok still not weird. I touched the walls.... which were cloth. There were no walls in the bedroom or bathroom. Just cloth draped over. So I peered through the cloth "walls" and there was a high end hotel/casino!

So in this dream, I basically rented an apartment that was a circus tent in the middle of a hotel/casino. Awesome. It was weird. 

I guess I decided to try out the whirlpool bathtub (even through my walls were cloth?) and when I ducked my head underwater and came back up, I was somewhere else. With people. These people asked me if I was ok and told me that my whole life was a lie.

I don't know what it means. It was really weird and kinda scared me. I mean, I think I can take apart the meaning of the circus tent apartment - the fact that I feel like I have no privacy but the second bit?! I don't know. It's a mystery.

I love dreams and I love decoding them, but sometimes they're terrifying.

My Tea Has Betrayed Me

I make tea maybe three times a day. Usually before I leave for school, my internship, or work. Other times I make it throughout the day if there's nothing going on. When I make it before I go somewhere, I pour it into my thermos to take with me. When you pour boiling water into a thermos it's really really hot. 

So here's me getting ready for my internship, on the phone with Ryan, and the teapot whistles. I go to turn it off, and pour it into my thermos. The Jasmine green tea bag is already in there. The only thing missing is the sugar. I turn around to grab a spoon and turn back around to face the counter. The sugar bowl is in the corner and as I reach for it, I knock over the thermos full of steaming, boiling hot water.

It spills all over my left leg.

Take a second to take that in.

So I start freaking out, throw the phone down on a nearby counter and scream in pain. Poor Ryan, he didn't know what happened. So there I was, sitting against a counter with a bright red leg. The first thing I grabbed for was ice, cuz the fridge was nearby. I know you're not supposed to put ice on a burn, but it was the first thing that came to my mind and it helped. Several minutes later, when I reached my bathroom, I was able to put wet cloths over my burn. This helped for very brief periods because after about 20 to 30 seconds, the whole cloth was very warm, so I ran it under the sink with cold water for about half an hour. After that, aloe vera was my best friend, and then neosporin.

So now I walk funny and have a huge burn on my leg thanks to my clumsiness and the tea that betrayed me.

Gluten Free is the Way to Be

When I was born in a small town hospital in Poland, the conditions weren't as clean as one would hope. My mom and I caught a disease because hospitals in general carry a lot of diseases, it didn't help that I was a preemie. The way they cured me of whatever disease I had, which basically took all the nutrients from the food I was ingesting, was by feeding me the sticky stuff that stays in the pan after you boil rice. And it helped, home remedy anyone?, I'm clearly still alive.

Fast-forward 22 years.. now I'm not gonna go self-diagnosing myself but lately I haven't been feeling too well after eating anything. My diet was mostly made up of sandwiches, pasta, pizza, burgers, bagels, chocolate, etc. I cut out dairy in my diet very early on, minus chocolate, because it made me sick, easy - lactose intolerance. So that was figured out, but what wasn't was why I was still nauseous after eating normal foods. 

I had a bad burger one day, aka, undercooked, and I lost it. I was sick and tired of feeling sick after feeding myself. I gave up beef and looked toward a more healthy approach to my diet. One day, when Ryan and I were at McDonalds, I decided to do something crazy... I ordered a salad. OMG, right? Gross, I hated salads. But I had one and it was good. Thus started my salad craze. I would come home from school and make a salad for myself varying the ingredients from romaine lettuce to iceberg to chicken to chicken nuggets, corn, carrots, etc. I've been doing this for maybe a month now? I'm still not an expert on salad making so I'm sticking to the basics.

Ok, so I cut out dark meat and pretty much started a salad only diet.. I ate bagels and toast and pasta now. One problem... I still felt sick after eating. When was it going to end?! I swear I tried everything until one day two weeks ago I had dragged my mom to Target with me to pick out healthy foods and I saw those little capri-sun looking applesauce squeezy pouches (I know.. great description), and I said "Hey, these look good and they have a mixture of fruits. I don't care that they're for kids, I wanna try!" After a lot of convincing, a box of GoGo SqueeZe's was in the cart. 

At home we both tried one, disregarding the fact that they tasted amazing, my mom decided to look at the back of the pouch where it said vegan and gluten free. Of course, since my mom can't speak amazing English, she asked what gluten meant... I gave her the only answer I knew: "It's that stuff people cut out of their diet because it's popular to do that now," in a condescending tone. This wasn't a good enough answer for her, so I looked it up on Google. This was the start of the end of my pain.

Gluten is a protein that is found in wheat, barley, rye, and others like those. Meaning, that one who is allergic or cannot digest wheat needs to follow a gluten free diet. The reason I said earlier, "I will not diagnose myself" was because along with gluten intolerance comes Celiac disease on search engines. Celiac disease is where an individuals' intenstines are damaged after ingesting gluten, so nutrients aren't absorbed into that individual's system (sound familiar... scroll up). Again.. not self-diagnosing, but after I've cut gluten out of my diet, I have felt better - so it could just be a gluten intolerance. 

Regardless, that little squeeze pouch saved me from the years of pain and digestive problems I've been experiencing and led me to discover a healthier lifestyle. Peppermint tea helps as well. Long story short, I feel better now!

And also, sorry for bashing those who cut gluten out of their diet; who knows, they might have good reasons to do so, Lord knows I do.

Who Am I?

I made a video! Watch it, it's super awkward and I know how everyone loves watching awkward people (: Enjoy!

When I said I want to be YouTube famous, I didn't really mean it in a money hungry way. It would just be nice to be heard by others and be able to offer advice and be a role model; however, like I said... no ideas in the mind I'm stuck with.

By the way, I am super self conscious about appearing way younger than I am, but I am 22, so I don't know if that's a good thing or not.. I'm not 16, even though in my mind I am.

Owl Spirit

Speaking of spirit animals, I heard an owl a couple months ago. You may think it's completely normal but I was terrified. I mean, I was walking to my kitchen around midnight, so it's dark and spooky. And all of a sudden, I hear "hoot, hoot." I literally jumped and looked around, for some reason maybe thinking there was an owl in my house? It was in the dead of winter, too, and so I looked out my front window and tried spotting it (you know how in the winter before or after it snows, it's bright out at night?) but I couldn't see it because.. well.. it was dark. And then again "hoot, hoot." Right, so by this point I was thoroughly freaked out.

I opened my front door to listen to the dumb think hoot again.. and it did. Yeah, I ran to my room and hid under the covers like a terrified five year old child. I don't know why, but it was extremely creepy. Now, this was probably after I watched some scary movie with Ryan, but I swear there was an owl out there. And if there wasn't, why would I be imagining an owl, randomly? When I don't even think about owls because they are so rare here in Chicago.. in the middle of winter. 

I'm kind of glad I didn't actually see one, because when I was brave enough to get out from under the covers, I Googled images of owls and they are terrifying. Now imagine seeing this at midnight...

daily-owls.tumblr.com

Yeah, not fun. Oh, it gives me goosebumps just looking at this. 

But I also looked up what it meant to see an owl, again because it was so rare to see one where I live and because I believe in that things-happen-for-a-reason thing. Well, I found out that owls represent protection and wisdom. I feel like we all know the wisdom part because of Owl from Winnie the Pooh, but anyway... I was just talking to Ryan about a situation in which I felt like I needed to protect him from someone, which was super odd that I saw that owl that night. I am generally super protective about him as he is about me, but it was so weird that on that specific night I heard that owl.

The knowledge aspect of it fell through, of course... but at the time I thought it represented the fact that I was going back to the way I used to be and was getting some extra wisdom from the owl spirit. I thought things were starting to look up for me. Nope. Ha. The few months after that, leading up till now have been disastrous in many ways, but I don't want to jinx anything so I won't say anything more.

It was just weird that on that specific night that owl came to me in the dead of the night and hooted a couple times to scare the crap out of me. This never happened again. I am probably looking WAY more into this than I should be, but hey, I like finding meaning in things that are arbitrary - it's one of the things that makes life fun.

Spirit Animals - Your Spiritual Guide

So, I know people think spirit animals are a joke, but for those who believe in that stuff, it helps keep you in tune with nature. The concept of spirit animals to me means having an animal as a spiritual guide. Animals have been on this earth a bit longer than we have and they follow a natural cycle that we humans have greatly interrupted. I feel sympathy for all animals and am drawn to their freedom and knowledge of the natural world.

I guess you find out your spirit animal when a specific animal comes to you constantly in your dreams or in real life a deer visits you frequently or a fox shows up at your doorstep every week. Usually the animal will be one that you feel a strong connection with or one that is your favorite animal. For example, my main spirit animal is a polar bear, but his buddies include the elephant and red panda.

I have many polar bear stuffed animals around my room and I feel particularly drawn to them; also, one visits me in my dreams at times. As for the elephant and red panda... I love elephants - I collect little figurines and stuffed animals, yes I'm 22, of them. The red panda has always fascinated me and always will even though it's on the brink of extinction (save the red pandas!) I guess I just feel a special connection with these three animals in specific.

• The elephant spirit represents gentle strength, loyalty, and love of family, partners and friends
• The polar bear spirit represents flexibility in terms of change - also is a creature of dreams
• The red panda spirit represents seeing through peoples masks or in other words, truthseekrs

A nice list that includes a variety of animals, visit this website as well as this one for a more complete list.

This may all sound silly, but there's something about an animal being a spirit guide that is so alluring and primitive. I don't know too much about this topic, but I do know spirit animals or spiritual guides stem from the Native American culture. This culture in general is fascinating enough, but being an animal lover myself, I am drawn to the idea of spirit animals.

Animals are so innocent and natural that it makes them great spiritual guides. These furry things are so pure and are themselves guided by nature, which is a good reason to follow them. To me, animals are better than humans and having an animal guide is a really cool concept - especially taking example from them because of their purity. Young children and animals are great sources of innocence which as we grow older, we lose that innocence. Humans strive for the things they don't have, so it makes sense that we look toward something that has what we want.

Basically, animals are cooler than humans and we need guidance in terms of spirituality and what better place to look than those furry creatures who know a bit more about nature than we do.

Side note: I wrote an earlier version of this post, but it got deleted, so this is what was left in my memory of the wonderfully written previous post. I'm a bit disappointed at my carelessness, but at least I remembered some of it. So if this post sounds a bit... unorganized, this is why! ):