Stressed and Frustrated

I haven't been able to write in a while because I'm so busy with end of the school year projects and papers and I'm trying to apply for internships (with no luck...), so my brain is mush at the moment. It's hard to even sit down and watch T.V. or read a book, which I haven't done since winter break. 

I decided last night at 10 pm that cleaning my room was an amazing idea. So that's exactly what I did. I sorted through my clothes and decided which to give away and which to keep - this was a bit of a sad activity since I'm somewhat attached to my clothes ): I ended up with a huge pile of give-away clothes and now my closet and my room are sparkling clean.. except for my desk. But, that I'll clean when school's over. Too many piles of books and stacks of paper to even begin to worry about organizing.

I'm doing a research project for my research class and it's driving me insane. I made the mistake of choosing gender as one of my independent variables and since I'm doing an online survey, I have to find 20 males and 20 females to take my survey! Needless to say, this has been one of my biggest stressers (second to finding an internship). It's so hard to find people that are willing to take a 5 minute survey because everyone's so lazy or just plain rude. I think I sent out my survey link to about 200 people and I only got responses from 44... and most of them are female. Where are the males!? If you're reading this and would like to help me out, click here (:

Internships... oh, internships... the biggest contributor to my lack of sleep every night. I'm in a 2 year program at my university where during the second year (next year) we need to be working at an internship site in order to gain experience in our field and stuff like that. While I would love to do one in Chicago, I prefer to do one at home because it would make my life that much easier. I'm tired of riding the train and wasting four hours of my life on trains and walking. If I got an internship downtown, it would just be more wasted hours. With this in mind, I still applied to Chicago internships but like 20 at home. I cannot believe that every single place emailed me back denying me because I'm not in a master's program or they just ignored me and never got back. How is an undergrad supposed to get volunteer and internship experience in order to get into a masters or PhD program if no one wants their FREE help?! It just makes no sense to me. I hope I can find something soon because this is just too much stress.

I just want to help people. I didn't know college would discourage me so much. I thought the point of college was to learn and enhance your aspirations and make your dreams come true. The process of becoming a professional helper is ridiculous and I almost wish I took a different path - one that involved writing and art. I do still plan on getting published either with poetry, short stories or fiction (or all) and I will get my PhD. These are things that will happen.

Oh, Snow White..

So, a few days ago I posted about my obsession with elephants... Well, I have one more major obsession that should adressed: SNOW WHITE!

Oh, I'm a child at heart and Snow White has been my favorite princess since I first saw the Disney movie when I was like 5. Not to mention.. she was the first ever Disney Princess. Anyway, my mom and I would always walk or drive to the library (it was close enough to where we could walk) and we would rent movies and books galore. The two movies I would always beg my mom to rent were Snow White and The Little Mermaid but I don't like Ariel too much anymore (possibly because EVERYONE in this world does and she's just way too overrated). I loved how innocent and connected with nature and animals Snow White was and I knew I was like that so BAM I'm Snow White now.

So I can't communicate with animals and I don't have a talented childish singing voice... I just have a childish singing voice and I talk to animals but they run away from me. That's ok though, because I still love them. She's also the fairest of them all and well... I'm not that pretty but... I'm kidding. I don't have black hair or red lips but my skin is as pale as can be and my hair is platinum so that's like the opposite of black. I consider myself the modern version of Snow White.

My Snow White obsession has been continued by friends and the boyfriend and it's sped way out of control and now my room is Snow White-ified. However, I have yet to get a Snow White tea mug, other than that I have everything Snow White I could have ever wanted. I also have a book about Snow White and some twisted stories along with the Grimm's fairytales and some Disney books.

 The cupcake kit, shot glass and jewelry box were given to me by my best friend and the doll and Christmas stuff was given to be by Ryan. The rest I bought cuz I'm crazy.. along with the shirt below and a sweatshirt. I also have the VHS of Disney's Snow White and the Diamond Edition of Snow White on DVD and BluRay. I'm a Snow White dork..

 I'm currently wearing this shirt. I also have a sweatshirt from Forever 21

I haven't gotten to the original Snow White by the Grimm Brothers yet, so don't spoil it for me. I have seen most Snow White movies: Disney's Snow White, Snow White and the who cares because Kristen Stewart ruined it (you can obviously tell I'm not fond of this version, however, the graphics were pretty cool), this weird Snow White movie from the 80's. Ok, so this list isn't helping... but I've seen a lot of Snow White movies. OH! and Once Upon A Time, which is by far my favorite Snow White representation, partially because I love how everything goes together. I absolutely adore Ginnifer Goodwin and I think she's perfect (other than me, haha) for the role of Snow White. If you haven't seen this series, shame on you.

I love Snow White and it is yet another one of my obsessions. I'm slightly upset that not that much Snow White merchandise is out there because I guess Snow White is completely underrated. I mentioned before, princesses like Ariel, Cinderella, and the two new ones Rapunzel and the Brave girl are way overrated and that's all you see in stores. But nevertheless, the best princess ever is Snow White.

My point of this long post is that I am Snow White's #1 fan / I am secretly Snow White. (:

The Original Sims

Oh my goodness. The Sims. This post is in honor of the recent announcement that the Sims 4 will be coming out in 2014. For those that live under a rock and have no idea what The Sims are... it is a game where you get to create people and basically rule their lives and do fun stuff with them. I don't want to say it's like you're God.. but it kinda is. I choose to look at it a grown up Barbie game (sorry to the guys that play this). 

I started playing this game when I was like 10 or 11 years old (all the good things happened to me when I was 10 I guess) because it was introduced to me by a friend that I sadly don't talk to anymore. ): I remember going to the library to rent all the games and it was the saddest moment of my life when I had to return them. Eventually I got my own copies. I remember all the original games and I have them all. 

The original Sims is the worst quality and possibly the crappiest game I have ever played.. but it was the best thing ever and still is. It brings to mind simpler times and just happy thoughts in general. This all was brought back to mind when I was on Facebook today and there was a link to this site on my wall that I just had to click on. First of all.. the music! I loved and miss the music. The music was what made the Sims the Sims to me. It gave me that wonderful happy feeling that I don't get when playing the newer versions. I remember being so excited with each expansion pack that came out. Pets, vacation, makin' magic! I never really got to play the last one too much because they had announced the Sims 2 and obviously I wanted to play that asap.

I loved the Sims 2, mostly because the graphics were way better than that of the original game, which was miraculous. I would have to say The Sims 2 was my favorite version because when the Sims 3 came out, I hated the graphics. I hated what the people looked like especially compared to the Sims 2. I feel like I bought into the scam of the Sims 3 and I kind of hate myself for loving this game so much. Basically all of it was the same as the previous version with slightly better graphics and a lot more glitches and problems. I didn't even buy all the expansions because they were almost the exact same as in the Sims 2 and at that point I realized I was being dumb and wasting my money. Plus, at $40 a game it's kind of ridiculous. I'm a college student, not a millionaire. I liked it better when it was just Maxis... ANYWAY, I was hoping for EA to bring back the Sims charm that I spoke of earlier in the Sims 3 but... that didn't happen.

Which brings me to my next point... EA announced The Sims 4 but there are still 2 expansion packs coming out for the Sims 3 and honestly, I don't know what to do (I know, what a dilemma, right?) I'm probably going to buy the Sims 4 when it comes out because I love the Sims but ugh, I don't want to waste money. I really hope it'll be the best thing ever and they stop making more after this (which won't happen but whatever), unless they completely butcher it and kill the Sims franchise, then I'll feel better because I would have gotten to be a part of the good part of the Sims. Oh my, I rambling on. 

I get that a lot of work has been put into this whole franchise and I can appreciate that, however, I'm disappointed that the focus has changed from community to money. Why can't seasons and pets be put into the base game: money. Why can't there be good clothes and hair in the base game: money. It's all about money (because EA really needs more money..) When I saw how much store content cost I was stunned! $10 for two pairs of clothes and two new hairstyles? Haha, I thought it was a joke at first but then I realized they were serious... and people were actually buying into this stuff. That's where I drew the line. I wasn't about to pay $20 for a new world and two new items just to make my game slower and more glitchy. It also made me rethink the actual value of the games and expansions and I just realized it wasn't worth it. The last expansion I bought was Seasons (the Sims 3) and I really don't think I'll be buying anything until I evaluate the Sims 4.

The reason why I play it and love it so much is because it's an escape from real life. You get to live your life however you want. You can be a rockstar or a celebrity chef or a painter (my career path in every game I play) but it kinda defeats the purpose if you have to sell your soul in order to play the games. Oh, money, why must thou destroy me!
  
I don't have high hopes for The Sims 4, but we'll see. I do love the Sims and I loved what it used to be, however, it just keeps getting more and more expensive and more and more crappy/ not worth the money. I might as well just go back to playing the original!

Nature is Weird

 

So today in my poetry class, it was Emily Dickinson day! Basically we read a bunch of her poetry and I wanted to share one (not the one I memorized) that we talked about on here. It has no formal name as most of her poetry is untitled, but its informal title is "A Bird, came down the Walk" and it goes like this:

A Bird, came down the Walk -

He did not know I saw -

He bit an Angle Worm in halves

And ate the fellow, raw,

And then, he drank a Dew

From a convenient Grass -

And then hopped sidewise to the Wall

To let a Beetle pass -

He glanced with rapid eyes,

That hurried all abroad -

They looked like frightened Beads, I thought,

He stirred his Velvet Head. -

Like one in danger, Cautious,

I offered him a Crumb,

And he unrolled his feathers,

And rowed him softer Home -

Than Oars divide the Ocean,

Too silver for a seam,

Or Butterflies, off Banks of Noon,

Leap plashless, as they swim.

So In class we talked about how on this poem, Emily Dickinson is basically stating how weird nature is. The little bird she is watching devoured a worm but skipped over the beetle and let him pass - this is the weird selective nature of the bird. She offered the bird a bread crumb and it flew away, also drawing on human to animal connection and how there is none.

I bring up this poem because a similar thing happened to me today. I was sitting in the parking lot of the train station, in my car with the door open because it was hot. I parked near a grassy median area where a bunch of dandelions grew. These three little birds were pecking and playing in the flowers and it was so adorable. I didn't grab my phone like I normally would because I wanted the birds to stay instead of potentially scaring them off. I think they noticed me and two flew away but one dared to stay and kept pecking at those dandelions, occasionally looking at me. It was cute but this poem basically reminded me of this morning encounter. I wished I could be like Snow White and talk to the birds and stroke their little feathers but I know that would never happen.

Speaking of birds, the bird feeders I put up are half eaten, but I never see any birds there! It makes me sad but whatever, I hope they're enjoying it. And if the squirrels are eating it, I'd be very mad... Let's hope that's not the case.

Elephants

I think I have a tiny obsession with elephants..

They are so innocent and sublime. They are so beautiful and I hear they're super nice. The artwork I see containing elephants is wonderful and I wish I could get back into my art so I could contribute. I do feel, however, that the elephant, along with the owl, have become symbols for this hipster movement that has plagued the nation. I love elephants and I love owls but I certainly am not a hipster. I'm Agunia and I like elephants, that's all.

I think my love for elephants stems from the Polish tradition that an elephant is a good luck charm. The first time I went to Poland, alone at age 7, one of my relatives gave me this tiny brown porcelain elephant and told me to always keep it with me because it would bring me good luck. So I did and I don't know if it ever gave me good luck but I thought it was so adorable, I started collecting little figurines of porcelain elephants from Poland. I think I have like 6 in my room now. Now I just love elephants and think they're cute and wonderful.

I still carry that tiny brown porcelain elephant with me everywhere. I can't leave the house without it.

However, now, my mother tells me that elephants are symbolic of fertility and that because I have so many elephants I should throw them away because I'm gonna get pregnant. Okay mother...

I love my elephants, and they ain't goin' anywhere. I got to ride one once. Oh, it was wonderful. My parents had taken me to this circus museum in Wisconsin and they had an elephant riding station so obviously I had to ride it. I want to go back so bad but I went there 10 years ago and I don't know if this place still exists. I don't know of any other place that let's you ride elephants.

I even have a little handmade elephant ring that Ryan got me.

Little girls grow up loving horses (I hate horses, I don't know why) and I grew up loving elephants (:

By Kate Alizadeh

Color Me Rad in Chicago

I just entered to run in Color Me Rad in Chicago July 20th!

I'm excited because I have wanted to do something like this since I first heard about it a couple months ago. I love the idea of coming out of this with splashes of color all over your body. I have also always wanted to run a marathon even though I was always afraid to register/ I knew I'd never be able to complete one. 

I'm not planning on running the whole thing... I don't even know if I plan to run at all. Since this is my first time and since I always hated running in elementary school, I want to take it easy. The people I'm going with, Ryan and a friend, want to run. So, awesome, I guess I'll be doing this alone! I still think it's a big step for me since I don't run, period. I'm not athletic and I don't pretend to be. I don't want to be athletic either, I just want to try something new and I know, or at least I've heard, that this event is really fun.

Plus, I'll get a free shirt out of it (:

I eventually want to do the marathons for people to run for cancer and other diseases because I feel like it would feel good to donate and run (or walk) for a good cause, not to mention it would be beneficial for whatever charity the event is for. I remember in high school everyone would do Relay For Life and I always wanted to do it but no one ever invited me to join their group. Oh well, now that I don't feel embarrassed to be alone (I am going with my boyfriend and friend so I won't be THAT alone), I'm going for this!

Plus, it'll be beneficial for my health and blah blah blah. Most of all, I'm going for the fun of it. The fact that I get to do something actually fun in the city instead of doing something boring and stressful like taking the trains and going to school is different and refreshing so I'm certainly excited for that.

I'd like to get more involved in stuff that goes on in the city but it's hard to when you commute and getting around is just so difficult and exhausting. Maybe I'll move there sometime soon..?

Side note: To participate in a color run like this near you go to the Color Me Rad website or Google search for any color run you'd like to participate in. It is expensive, but I'm hoping it's worth it!

Music is Empowering

Everyone has their own musical preference, something that takes them out of this world and into one of their own. For me that is edm, electronic dance music. It used to be called techno and I'm so used to calling it that but I guess that changed since I was younger... I started listening to edm when I was about 10, maybe a little older, but my cousins worked at bars and whenever I was at their house or in their cars they would have edm blasting and obviously, being European, I fell in love.

I got my first edm cd shortly after from a neighbor who was younger than I was, by Dj Markski, a local Dj in Chicago. Again, I fell in love and it was literally all I listened to. I loved it for how it made me feel. Obviously as a preteen I didn't know the culture surrounding edm and when I grew older I didn't care who listened to it and the stigma around the culture, I still loved it.

Long story short, I love edm and it makes me feel wonderful even when I'm at my worst. It got me through some tough stuff and unlike people who come and go, music is always there for you. I found solace in it and it empowered me. Even today I listen to some trance or house when I feel down and almost immediately I'm dancing around in my room with a smile from ear to ear. It's wonderful.

I definitely don't like the stigma around edm - the fact that apparently everyone has to be drunk and rolling when they go clubbing or go to festivals. Ha, not true. I certainly don't do that and never plan to. I like the MUSIC, not the people. I stress this because growing up, my parents never let me go to clubs or any events with my favorite Dj's for fear that I might grow up to be some drunk or druggie or something. I never got to be in my favorite environment, I never got to experience the one thing I loved and helped me get through my tough times. I could only sit back and watch my friends, who knew nothing about edm and made fun of me for listening to it before it got popular, go to these fun events and enjoy themselves doing whatever they did. I just wanted to go for the music.

I still love it and I'll always love it, even when I'm 60. It's what makes me me. If you're interested in edm, i suggest checking out Armin van Buuren (my love), Cosmic Gate, Dash Berlin, Avicii, Flux Pavillion, Nero, Krewella (I'm currently obsessed with them, and they're from Chicago!), Tiesto, Markus Schulz, Ferry Corsten (his and Armin's song Brute is amazing), Porter Robinson (also, a current obsession), oh the list goes on! Djmag.com is a great resource to check out new djs and who's popular. Also, Pandora or Spotify electronic, dance, or trance stations help a lot too. Oh, and if you're in the Chicago area, listen to Dance Factory! (: 

                     My dream is to go to EDC, Electric Daisy Festival, in Vegas. One day (:

Of course, explore and find what speaks to you. This is just my passion, and I certainly accept the fact that everyone has different tastes. One thing to keep in mind is never conform to what others are doing. Find you, not them.

Update on My Flowers

So, my mom killed my flowers....

Ryan's flowers are still in tact but mine are in the garbage. I planted new ones and a lot of them. Hopefully these will grow and not end up in the trash. I planted red Poppies instead of California Poppies (I couldn't find those), and I planted a bunch of wildflowers. I also bought bird food! So, hopefully lovely birds will visit my backyard. However, it's not very nice out today so I doubt any creatures will venture outside today or for the next few days for that matter.

Oh Spring...

Chicago weather sucks. Don't come here, you'll just end up really confused and with constant headaches from traffic, construction and the indecisive weather.

Other than that, have a wonderful day! (:

Memorizing Poetry

I am in a poetry class this quarter, which I may or may not have mentioned already, and one of our assignments was to memorize a poem. When I first heard about this assignment, I freaked out, to say the least. I am so awful at memorizing things and with memorizing a poem comes recitation... So, I had to memorize stuff and recite it in front of 20 some students and my professor. You can just imagine how excited I was about that...

I searched and searched online for something short and understandable (it had to be 14 lines minimum) and I remembered hearing a lot about Emily Dickinson so as a last ditch effort, I looked her up and found this poem that I ended up choosing to memorize:

There is another sky,

Ever serene and fair,

And there is another sunshine,

Though it be darkness there;

Never mind faded forests, Austin,

Never mind silent fields--

Here is a little forest,

Whose leaf is ever green;

Here is a brighter garden,

Where not a frost has been;

In its unfading flowers

I hear the bright bee hum:

Prithee, my brother,

Into my garden come!

Fun side note: It is three days after my recitation and I wrote this on here without looking at the poem (:

Now at first I just liked the poem because I like gardens and this poem referenced gardens so I thought.. Why not? Not only am I horrible at memorizing stuff, but I'm horrible at understanding poetry as well. I had a hard time understanding this one but through hours of searching the internet, I finally found a wonderful explanation that I actually agreed with after analyzing the poem myself (Click here to read the full analysis by Linda Sue Grimes). Basically she says that Emily Dickinson is calling out to her brother, Austin, to come into her everlasting world of poetry she has created. She feels safe in this world and she just wants Austin to experience it by reading it. I think Emily Dickinson does a wonderful job hiding this meaning within this beautiful metaphor.

So, a big part of Polish culture is literature and since I had the great pleasure of attending Polish school for about 12 years, I was able to take part in a wonderful yet arduous tradition of memorizing famous poems. Poems such as Adam Mickiewicz’s epic poem, Pan Tadeusz, or Jan Brzechwa’s silly and melodic children’s poems stuck with me throughout the years. I was certainly not a newcomer to memorizing poetry but I remember being very anxious when reciting Polish poems in front of classmates or the whole Polish school because Polish words, especially in poetry, are particularly hard to pronounce. Also, along with memorizing poetry for school, being a Catholic and attending Polish school, memorizing prayers was a must. 

I don’t remember ever needing to memorize anything for normal, American school; however, as I got older, public speaking tended to be important and memorizing presentations became a priority. My lack of practice with memorizing things in English caught up with me and I freeze whenever I must speak in front of anyone.

To help with memorizing the poem, I broke it into seven sections of two, essentially seven couplets, and decided to attack it couplet by couplet. Eventually, I had the first four lines and the last two memorized perfectly and only struggled with the middle eight lines. I came up with an interesting way to memorize the middle, which included a mnemonic sort of device; since the poem repeats a few words, I came up with a pattern and used it to aid me in memorizing the order of the words. For example, the fifth and sixth lines start with the words “never mind” and the seventh and ninth lines start with the word “here” and also, the twelfth line has the word “hear” which sounds like “here,” so I used that to my advantage as well. Using my technique, I had the poem memorized by the end of the day. Another technique that proved helpful for me was actually visualizing the poem, especially since the poem I chose was very vivid.

The memorization wasn’t as treacherous and time consuming as I thought it would be, and if my memory was better I would certainly consider memorizing more poems. 

Through memorizing this poem, I noticed the beauty in poetry and it gave me a change to read into a poem more than I ever would just glancing at it for class. It gave me a new appreciation for the complexity of poems and the talents of poets. Even though this process of memorizing and reciting is not something people would look forward to, I believe every class should require something of this sort. Since I have horrible memory, I feel like this activity almost helped me with my memory. Also, I think it's really cool that I have something stored in my head that I can recite if asked to. I definitely feel proud of myself and I didn't mess up when i recited it, even though I was so paranoid that I did. 

Memorize stuff! Be proud of yourself! It feels wonderful to get so close to a poem and feel what the poet felt when writing it.