Empty

During high school, I could speak eloquently, write beautifully and draw imaginatively. When I spoke or wrote to people, I spoke and wrote with rhythm and flawlessness, gentleness and care. Whoever would listen to me would get inspired or think twice about their next move. My drawings were wonderfully diverse and full of imagination - colorful, delightful and fun. 

Then college rolled around and I lost everything. 
Lost inspiration.
Lost language.
Lost words.
Lost thoughts.

My brain, empty.

Before, I'd be sitting on my mother's bed just staring out a window at a beautiful white landscape in the wintertime watching the soft flakes of snow floating to the ground and a million things would be flowing through my mind. Now, I just sit there. Staring blankly at the snow, wishing and hoping that my tired brain could come up with something to admire, something to appreciate.

My mind, empty.

I can't sit down and write lovely words describing how I feel. I can't even pick up a pencil and let it guide my hand on a blank piece of paper, letting my mind wander through its inmost depths. I have no inspiration or motivation, nothing to give me the tiniest push.

My soul, empty.

When I speak, it comes out in a clutter, so disorganized. I lack words, just can't remember. Can't get my thoughts out the right way. People misunderstand me now... if at all.
I have turned superficial.
 -Agunia
  

My Thoughts:

I wrote this in my journal and I really like it. I thought the more I write it, the more aware I will be of what I want from myself. I hope to re-become this person that I used to be, obviously with a twist because as we grow, we change. 

High school for me was three years ago and I've been through things that have changed how I view life, but what I wrote about is my foundation and without a foundation, one cannot feel like a whole person. These were the things I loved doing, they defined me: drawing, writing and helping people/giving people advice. 

Since I started college, I have lost the motivation to do anything because of exhaustion and a different focus, figuring out my life. But, one shouldn't have to give up the things that define them just because they have a different focus now. I am a college student but that doesn't define me; what I do and how I act should define me. Right now, all I do is homework and commute to school. These actions take up my life and I don't want them to BE my life. I want something more.

Most importantly, I certainly don't want to be the product of a typical college, a made-to-go perfect employee robot. I don't want to be superficial. I need to reverse this virus that has started to creep up on me and return to the emotion-full and whole person I used to be. Being in Chicago amongst thousands of people who can't even take a second to enjoy the beauty of life makes me realize how much I don't want to be rushing and trying to be on time and hurrying my whole life. 

We are each given one life and we must live it to it's fullest potential. I don't want to waste mine being a corporate robot.

I will regain myself. (: