Existential Crisis - Week 3 of New Internship

Week 3 of my new internship and not working a part time job. It feels weird.

And I think it just hit me now. Today. I miss my part time job. I miss the relationships I've developed and the people I would see every other day.

I honestly think I am having an existential crisis right now. I love psychology and I love working with the kids, but I also love the freedom I had only working 4 days a week every other day for 6 -8 hours. Now, I'm working 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. They are VERY long days.

I guess I should probably mention what my internship is....

Well, my internship is working as a counselor in a summer treatment program for kids with ADHD and similar disorders. These kids are amazing and so sweet but this is my first time being out in the field actually doing something psychology related with actual children. Up until this point, all my knowledge has been theoretical and now I am seeing the things I learned about for 4 years in reality.

So, making the switch from part time retail job to full time clinical counselor for kids was a huge leap and very disorienting. I was out of my shell at my job (I am an extremely shy person) and I felt comfortable in the environment. At my internship, I feel stepped on and have no confidence whatsoever. I don't know if this is just because it is still very new to me or if it's because I feel stupid and pretty much like the weak link there. I am the oldest and went from part time job to this internship, while everyone else is younger than me and is still in college.

I have very mixed feelings and have no idea what I'm doing in my future, but this is only the first week with the kids (the first 2 weeks were training) and so far I love working with the kids. It is by far the most rewarding experience in my life so far, aside from babysitting. And I love babysitting.

This is what makes me think that I am meant to do this, but the long hours and amount of knowledge I need to retain but can't because my brain hates me is not something I am fond of. I wouldn't say I am a lazy person... I just worked 3 weeks straight 12 hours a day - not lazy. But I am VERY unmotivated and lose confidence very fast. I cannot tell you how many times I debated quitting during the first week alone.

The first 2 weeks of this program - the training portion - was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, without a doubt. It was intensive training. On the other hand, though, knowing that I got through the training alone, makes me think that I can get through this stuff. (Can you tell yet how confused I am and how wishy washy I am about all this?)

Since I haven't quit yet, I obviously won't. I think I'm past the "This is hard, I want to quit" stage, and I'm onto the "Well now what?" stage and the "Do I want to do this for my whole life" stage. I was never fond of working long hours - that is always something I wanted to avoid. I just don't think working that much is good for my well being, mentally and emotionally. There are others things I want to do with my life than devote it to making money. I want to do art, I want to travel, I want to explore and enjoy nature and life in general. I can't do that, I don't think, when I'm working 12 hours a day.

I will continue to track my feelings on this matter throughout the 10 week treatment program. I doubt my feelings toward my coworkers, or fellow counselors will change, and I already know I love the kids in my group... it's just a matter of my energy level and level of motivation that will help me decide whether this is something I ultimately want to pursue as opposed to a more calm and unstructured lifestyle that I was previously accustomed to.

So far, I am extremely out of my comfort zone, but as of tomorrow, I will have survived the first 3 weeks of this. Yay.

Be strong and don't let anything get in your way. Try new things, and leave your comfort zone, you never know what you'll learn. (:

Toxicity of Facebook (Bullying)

I don't think I need to keep starting these posts about how I don't post anymore, haha, but I guess I just did. At this point, I think I will write about things as they come to my head and I feel like writing out my thoughts.

Well, recently I got involved in a very ugly situation involving Facebook and bullying. Yes, I am 23 and I still get bullied. It happens at every age, for example, the Dancing Man - an older man who just wanted to dance, but was publicly shamed in front of hundreds and then viewed thousands of times on the internet. Except, this wonderful man got a happy ending and so much attention towards bullying. Those who made fun of this man should be ashamed.

But anyway, my story is bizarre and I don't want to disclose too many details other than the bullying I was a victim to was verbal and emotional cyberbullying by a person I had never met or seen in my life. This person decided to target a complete stranger and try to ruin her life. For no reason. If anyone could explain to me why, I still wouldn't be ok with that. I can't for the life of me understand why ruining someone else's life and beating them down makes others feel good about themselves. 

Yes, I study psychology but no, I still can't figure out what creates and perpetuates this type of behavior. In a way, it's not that big of a deal.. everyone gets bullied and it's over.. so I should be ok with it and get over it, right? No. It did impact me. Every word. All the lies, the mean words, and the fact that I was targeted on purpose. Why me? Why did this person choose to mess with me? Am I an easy target? More than one person was impacted in this situation, in fact, four people were. One started it by being oblivious to the ulterior motive of the bully and inviting the bully into our lives, once the bully was in, the bully could manipulate whoever and however the bully wanted.

I don't blame this person, who I hold very dear to my heart, or at least... I'm trying not to. But at the same time, I'm trying not to blame myself either... which is harder than it sounds. This one person, this stranger... ruined something that they had no business in ruining. In the process of ruining that something, the bully ruined my trust in someone very special to me, knowing fully well what they were doing. But why? 

Well... does the why really matter? If you find out the why... it won't get rid of what happened. When we come across devastating or game-changing situations that break us down and ruin aspects of our lives, we need to learn to accept that this terrible thing happened and it was out of your control. Not easy, huh? I've been struggling for a week now. I don't want one person to come between me and the person I built something special with. I am not a toy, a doll, or a TV show that someone can play with and manipulate to do what they want. The universe always wins. Karma will bite back and she will bite back hard.

A person who does things like this needs help. Maybe they weren't shown love as much or maybe they were jealous of me or maybe they have been hurt in the past. NONE of these are valid excuses, however, for the actions of this person.

This situation happened to come at the worst time of my life. I was dealing with a stomach infection and was on several antibiotics, completely shutting down and not eating as well as preparing for a very intensive summer internship (the first week of which didn't go so well because of my anxiety from this very avoidable situation).

Now this brings me to why I named this post "Toxicity of Facebook." Well, the reason is that this happened on Facebook. It started on Facebook and it ended on Facebook. It's easy to say Facebook was the culprit, right? Well no, it wasn't... but it was the enabler. Facebook can be used for wonderful things like businesses and finding lost friends/family and keeping in touch. But, it can also breed very deviant behavior. People feel anonymous on Facebook and anonymity leads to heightened self-confidence displayed in negative ways - like bullying anyone just because you can.

Not only is social media a breeding ground for bullying, but Facebook in particular is specially toxic because some (hopefully most) of the people you are friends with on Facebook, you know in real life and getting a little glimpse of someone elses better life, as assessed by you, can be damaging. If you're having a bad day and you feel like nothing is going right and work is tearing you apart, for example, and you go on Facebook and see the person you don't like going on vacation and taking pictures on the beach, you will without a doubt feel worse than when you initially got on the website. 

It can also instill panic for no reason. For anxious people like me, it gave me unnecessary reasons to worry, like seeing with my own eyes a terrible thing unfold that spilled onto me. I tried to stop it, I tried to tell the person close to me that this was a bad person and that we should stay far away from them, but because the person close to me felt like they needed to prove a point to me, they didn't heed my warning. I saw it all unfold and I knew the outcome before it happened. 

If anyone hasn't felt this feeling before... it's awful. Knowing something terrible is coming but not being able to do anything about it. What I didn't know, was that I would be sucked into a hate battle directed towards me.

I wish so much that this had never happened. I wish it with all my heart. The knowledge I know now, the lesson I learned, the lesson the person close to me learned... all of it, wasn't worth the pain.

Guys, don't bully others. You have NO idea what it does to other people and it will always come back to you. Don't use Facebook or any other social media to manipulate others for fun and mess with other people's lives. If two people are in a relationship, leave them be. There are many fish in the sea, don't latch onto the one I caught and torture it and myself for fun.

Don't mess with other people's lives. Not only will you look like a terrible person, you will never get your way and you will feel the backlash eventually.

 

Sorry for my rant - this event has really impacted my life negatively and I felt like writing it down would help me heal and maybe help someone else in the process. Please be kind to each other.

It's My 23rd Birthday!

And I don't feel any different.

Of course I don't... the only important birthdays are 16, 18, 21 and anything ending in 0 after that. Midlife crisis perhaps? Ha. 

I was treated to dinner by Ryan and still got to blow out candles, so at least I got that much. I didn't want much in the first place because I feel like the older you get, the less excited you are to age. So, I am pretty content with what I did get. And thankful as well.

Here's to a good 23rd year of my life. 

Price Changes in my Etsy Shop

I changed some of my prices in my Etsy shop because I want people to enjoy my work and my creativity. My thought process is that if I lower my prices, my want will come true.

I'm also working on adding more products to my shop. The gears in my head are finally running again, so hopefully I will settle on something soon. Of course, my final product is handmade.

Here's the link to my shop, just click on the picture!

Enjoy (:

Lush Haul - Bath Bombs and Shower Gels

So recently I've been getting progressively more obsessed with this Lush craze. Lush, for those of you who aren't familiar, is an eco-friendly and anti animal testing cosmetics company. While they have makeup and cremes and what not, what they have become most popular for (in my opinion) is their shower and bath products.

My first Lush product was the "Sex Bomb" bath bomb. I don't have a picture of it because I've already used it, but you can find it here. It is a pink and purple bath bomb with a flower on top. It smells amazing and looks really pretty once dissolved. This bath bomb is one of their best sellers. I bought two and used both already.

Knowing that my first Lush purchase was so successful, I had to buy more. So, during their latest sale, I bought two shower gels for the price of one. Pretty awesome since one 3.3 fl oz. bottle costs $9.95. So I got the "So White" shower gel and "Snow Fairy" shower gel. I also bought a bubble bar and another bath bomb I've wanted to try.

Today, my box of wonders finally came!

Well the box came ripped open.. but it's been snowing non-stop today, so I will forgive the delivery man this one time (:

I ordered the four items mentioned above, but I got an extra little sample! Thank you Lush (: Fun fact: the little packaging poofs were really cold (the package itself sat outside for at least an hour until I noticed it came) so I kept putting my hands in it like a child would play in the sand because it felt cool. This is why I am still a child at heart.

Shower Gels:

So here are Snow Fairy and So White close up. They were smaller than I expected, but in this case I didn't really mind since as I mentioned above, I got one for free pretty much. They are both vegan, as the company supports that sort of stuff, which I think is pretty neat. The bottle says they are handmade and we all know I'm a huge supporter of that. They are also both limited edition, I think for the winter months as they imply a sort of snow theme.

The Snow fairy shower gel, which is now sold out but costs $9.95 for a 3.3 fl. oz. bottle, is supposed to smell like bubblegum and vanilla.While I'm not a huge fan of the bubblegum smell and vanilla is too plain for me, I wanted to try this shower gel out (mainly because of what it's called but we'll keep that a secret).

The So White shower gel, also $9.95 for 3.3 fl. oz. (which sounds a lot like Snow White (: haha) is infused with fresh apples (haha cuz Snow White.. I get it...) I'm fine with an apple scented shower gel, so I was willing to give this one a try, and because of the obvious.

The shower gels come in three sizes: 3.3 fl. oz., 8.4 fl. oz., and 16.9 fl. oz. Prices range from $9.95 to $28.95.

I have not yet tried either of these, so I will write another post assessing their loveliness or unlovliness (doubtful).

Bath Bombs & Bubble Bars:

Next is the "Phoenix Rising" bath bomb. It is $6.95. I heard mixed reviews about this particular item, but after watching a few YouTube videos showing how pretty and deep the purple looked in a bath, I decided to try it out. I think the bad reviews come from the overwhelming amount of glittery sparkly stuff, which I am totally okay with. I mean... who doesn't want to come out of a bath looking all glittery and sparkly and magical?

So, I've noticed that while the bath bombs are amazing and wonderful and make the water cool funky colors, there are no bubbles... and the whole point of a bath is the bubbles, right? So, I looked into it and of course Lush sells these amazing bubble bars which people rave about. I picked out this one, "The Comforter" bubble bar. The name itself just makes me feel all cozy and warm inside. It is $10.95 for this 7 oz. bar.

According to the Lush website, it is supposed to give off a purple tint to your bath water (so pairing it with a purple or pink-ish bath bomb would be cool) and it gives off a blackcurrant scent. I have heard of people cutting these into a few pieces for multiple uses as opposed to using the whole thing at once, I'd imagine that would give you way too many bubbles. 

I have not tried this yet, obviously, but out of all of the things I got today, this is the one I am most excited about... because... bubbles!

Free Sample!

And here is the little sample of the "Miranda" soap I got. It is $7.95 for a 3.5 oz. bar. I actually got a sample of this a while back when I bought my first bath bombs and aside from the excitement of an extra little free item, I had absolutely no idea what it was. But I smelled it, ran it under water and realized it was soap. And it smelled amazing. So when I do finally decide to buy soap from them, this will be the first one I'll get.

Bonus:

And a bonus bath bomb that Ryan bought me for Christmas that was not a part of this haul.

This one is called "Shoot for the Stars" and it was $6.95. Here's the story: Ryan took his sister and I to the mall for Christmas and told us to each pick something we wanted. I suggested going to the Lush store because one bath bomb isn't too expensive and I wanted her to try one. Well, I picked this one mainly for it's name (I have to stop doing that) and how cool it looks! It's supposed to have a caramel scent to it, which I'm not too fond of, but I'm willing to try it. Plus, I wanted to try a color other than pink and purple, so this one should be interesting. Unfortunately, this one is sold out.



I am in the process of picking products out from their new Valentine's Day release because they look awesome and creative and I have to. That's how I rationalize my obsessions, haha. 

Every picture has a link to the corresponding product on the Lush website, just in case anyone wants to try these out. (: Also, I did not get paid for this, I just wanted to share my Lush love!

Christmas Shopping

Wow okay, so it's not even December yet, but the pressure to get the perfect Christmas present for your loved ones is on. Not just that, but making the perfect Christmas list so others can get you things you actually want as opposed to things that will just sit in storage for the whole year until they come to visit and you need to put it out and pretend like you love their gift (I'm exaggerating). But really, making a Christmas list shouldn't be so stressful.. but it is. You don't want to sound too needy or spoiled, but you don't want to put things that you really don't have any use for on your list.

My list:

Most of my lists start off with cheap little things that I always have uses for like socks or scarves. Then it delves into things like books and DVD's that I've been dying to get all year but never really had the funds for (mostly movies that I am obsessed with.. nowadays buying DVD's is almost pointless anyway..). Then it goes into pretty expensive things like shoes, coats or clothes that I just need (debatable), then I stick in a few outrageous things like a T.V. or new phone or a puppy (hey, it's worked a few times on my parents!), then I conclude my lovely list with things like "world peace" or "health for everyone".. which obviously my parents can't get me either of those things, but I like to put a few selfless things on my list.

Anyone who gets my list pretty much hates me because the lists are super unhelpful, and I usually only get one or two things off my list anyway, which is more than what I expect to get anyway. So, this year I'm trying to be more practical... I asked my mom for shoes, and that's pretty much as far as I got. Again.. it's still November, so there's still time. Giftcards are always good gifts to ask for because then I can just buy things that I normally wouldn't have money for, and the few extra dollars help... especially if you're obsessed with really expensive things like I am (it's a curse). But anyway, back to my earlier point.. how do you tell people what to get you without sounding like a selfish, spoiled brat? Well clearly I haven't mastered that yet... but I think my idea of giving people options makes them feel like they need to get me everything off my list.

So, I've dabbled in assigning people one or two things to get me. I've made lists specifically catered to the person I'm giving it to. Ryan gets a separate list and my parents get a separate list. But even then, how much is too much? I don't want them to just "make it up as they go along" because we all know how picky I am, not in a mean way.. just in a... picky way (I know, I know, I'm a terrible person). Even so, all I'm ever serious about getting is books and recently, clothes. So if I get that, I'll be happy. Girls are not easy to shop for. We're too picky.

Now onto more important matters...

Shopping for Others:

Why is Christmas so hard.. who came up with giving gifts anyway? I love giving gifts.. nothing warms my heart more than watching the receiver of your gift open it up and smile in awe and hug you with thanks. But also.. nothing hurts more than putting your whole heart into a gift and receiving the complete opposite reaction. Which is why giving gifts is so hard. You hope and hope that the receiver is going to absolutely love your gift.

I, however, think I have found a sneaky, secret way around this problem. HOMEMADE GIFTS!

I'm serious.. nothing is better than receiving something that you know someone spent so much time on.. even if it looks hideous or you have no idea what it is. This is why I love when little kids draw me pictures. They put their whole hearts and imaginations into creating whatever scribbles are on the paper and when they explain to you what it is they drew, you can't help but smile. Same goes for homemade gifts, even if you have no idea what it is or have no use for it, you can't help but put it on a pedestal because some person thought about you and made something with their own hands instead of going to the dollar store and picking up some ridiculous gag gift that you would never in a million years buy for yourself.

There's a sort of charm in homemade gifts and I love them. I love making them and receiving them. It is such a wonderful feeling when the receiver of your homemade gift looks at it and talks about how cute it is then asks where you got it... then you say you made it and they completely flip out. That's when you know they're gonna cherish that gift forever. Obviously, I'm not the only one who has caught onto this secret.. we have websites like Pinterest and Etsy and I'm sure tons of people buy homemade things as gifts.

Of course... don't rely solely on homemade gifts... buying the person socks or a toaster is great too, especially if they've been begging for one all year. Making a gift is just a nice add on.

Which brings me to my next point... men are impossible to shop for. Yeah.. I can make a homemade whatever, but what in the world do you get your boyfriend, father, husband, guy friend.. whatever. What comes to mind first is socks (seeing a trend here?) and giftcards.. I know, I'm so creative. I used to draw Ryan stuff, until I started doubting my talent and I stopped doing that. But I guess that would count as homemade, too, then. I always have the hardest time shopping for the men in my life. I search the internet far and wide and come back with nothing. The best I've gotten is shoes and records for Ryan and a sweater for my dad. For the life of me, I can't shop for them. I'm trying something new this year, but I'll have to write about that after presents are open because I know Ryan reads this (:

In conclusion: 

• Homemade gifts are always wonderful. 
• Don't overwhelm your friends and family with unrealistic gift ideas (unless it's a joke and you don't want any Christmas presents). 
• Gift cards or books are always nice and easy gifts to ask for.
• If you don't know what to get someone, search Pinterest  

And one more thing.. Christmas isn't just about gifts. I know I spend a whole post talking about gift problems, but Christmas is all about the spirit and being with those you love. If you're religious or spiritual, reflect on what the season is all about. If you aren't, go help out at a homeless shelter or donate some canned goods or do something good for those less fortunate than you. Christmas isn't all about giving and receiving.. it's about love. 

I'll be posting more about the holidays after Thanksgiving, haha, I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a gift hungry privileged person.. because at the end of the day, all I want is for there to be more good in the world.

I Disappeared... Now I'm Back (For Good I Hope)

I have a hard time sticking to things that haven't been turned into habits yet... blogging is one of those things. Not just that, but I feel like you have to be in the mood to write, and I haven't been in the longest time. Lame excuse, I know.. but now that I'm not in school anymore, my whole life has been turned upside down... more work (I'm still at a part time job..) and more time to think about where I went wrong and how to come back from it.

When I say "where I went wrong" I don't mean my life sucks and I live in a ditch.. I mean why am I not motivated anymore and how to remotivate myself. I've made a few posts on here describing my lack of imagination, but I think my lack of motivation might be connected to that. One has to be extremely motivated to get into a PhD program.. I know I want to get mine, I just don't think I have enough motivation to push me along. ]

Yeah, yeah, lazy is the first word that comes to mind, but it's so much more than that. It's fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of not being good enough, and fear of wasting time (woah, fear overload). Which is funny because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. But in a way, I'm not. I'm still working towards my goal, just indirectly. I've applied to a few full time jobs that deal with children, which will put my psych skills to use. But, getting a job with just a psychology bachelors is difficult.. and I don't want to be stuck in an office filing paperwork.

So enough about my terrible lack of motivation... the reason why I'm starting to write posts again is mainly because I want ideas flowing in my head again. I have a whole list of topics to write about, and I hope to get through all of them eventually. I've started sketching again and hope to post some of those as well. I want to start writing poetry and short stories as well, but that takes motivation (there's that pesky word again..)

Nevertheless, winter is fast approaching and I love it! Of course, I'm sick at the first sign of cold weather, but that's ok winter, I forgive you. I've already made a mental Christmas list and I know what I'm getting/doing for my loved ones. I might post those ideas on here as well, although, there's always the risk that they might actually read this (hahaha, of course they won't..)

My poor nose, I'm gonna go blow my nose 800 times and drink gallons of tea now!

Poem 4 Revision

The creature is most vulnerable during the nighttime

Work, school, internship,

Repeat.

Work, school, internship.

10:00 PM  –

Bedtime

for a college student.

Face off.

Makeup off.

Brick rose,

alabaster,

flowing down my

cheeks.

Watercolor masterpiece

in the ivory sink.

Eyeliner and mascara

massacre.

Devil eyes.

No.

My eyes.

When I think

of you

I find myself

through the mask.

When the façade

disappears,

I miss you.

The reason why I'm posting this revision is because I really liked it. It was interesting turning my prose poem into this choppy two-word-per-line poem. I even think it flows a little better since it's so dark and the choppiness adds to the tension.

Graduation: Finally-ish

So, I graduated magna cum laude... I earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology. It was a long 3 hour ceremony (not to mention the four years of hard work, ha), but I did it. I managed to not make a fool of myself. I did decorate my cap and didn't know how much I would stand out, but no one seemed to notice. It did help my family find me in the crowd and it kinda made me feel a tiny bit more proud because I thought it looked adorable!

It was really sunny that day, not to mention it was Father's Day, but the pictures we took after the ceremony turned out decent. We were all squinting at the camera, which is why I'm making a funny face in the picture below.

 

Me and Ryan with my diploma cover and flowers from my Dad

I was happy, but now reality kicked in and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I got good grades, I have a degree now, and some job experience.. but I don't even know if I'm ready for a full time job. I see how miserable everyone is in their own jobs and I kind of still want to experience some happiness before I have to commit myself like that.

Also... I'm still planning on going to grad school, so how does all that fit in with a full time job? I think I've convinced myself to procrastinate on getting a full time job until I'm like 30..

For now it's summer and I want my last summer to myself, so maybe I'll write some more poetry, short stories, draw or read some books during this time. I haven't yet, but who knows, maybe I'll get inspired. Inspiration comes when you least expect it.

So far I've been creating some new rings with beads I bought not too long ago and I've updated my Etsy shop with a few of those new rings, so check them out! 

Poem 6 - Inspired by Mary Oliver

Silver-Hooves

In fall

   the rustling of leaves

            on the forest floor

                          is the result

of the silver hooves

    that belong to the deer.

            It tiptoes through the maze

                           of hundreds of trees

thinking it is being cleverly silent

     while startling every wild rabbit,

            red fox, and sleepy owl in sight.

                           With each step the crackling

of leaves gets louder and more obvious

      until the red stares from dark holes become clear.

               The whole forest, even the trees judge the deer

                           for its silver hooves that created a nightmare.