Christmas Shopping

Wow okay, so it's not even December yet, but the pressure to get the perfect Christmas present for your loved ones is on. Not just that, but making the perfect Christmas list so others can get you things you actually want as opposed to things that will just sit in storage for the whole year until they come to visit and you need to put it out and pretend like you love their gift (I'm exaggerating). But really, making a Christmas list shouldn't be so stressful.. but it is. You don't want to sound too needy or spoiled, but you don't want to put things that you really don't have any use for on your list.

My list:

Most of my lists start off with cheap little things that I always have uses for like socks or scarves. Then it delves into things like books and DVD's that I've been dying to get all year but never really had the funds for (mostly movies that I am obsessed with.. nowadays buying DVD's is almost pointless anyway..). Then it goes into pretty expensive things like shoes, coats or clothes that I just need (debatable), then I stick in a few outrageous things like a T.V. or new phone or a puppy (hey, it's worked a few times on my parents!), then I conclude my lovely list with things like "world peace" or "health for everyone".. which obviously my parents can't get me either of those things, but I like to put a few selfless things on my list.

Anyone who gets my list pretty much hates me because the lists are super unhelpful, and I usually only get one or two things off my list anyway, which is more than what I expect to get anyway. So, this year I'm trying to be more practical... I asked my mom for shoes, and that's pretty much as far as I got. Again.. it's still November, so there's still time. Giftcards are always good gifts to ask for because then I can just buy things that I normally wouldn't have money for, and the few extra dollars help... especially if you're obsessed with really expensive things like I am (it's a curse). But anyway, back to my earlier point.. how do you tell people what to get you without sounding like a selfish, spoiled brat? Well clearly I haven't mastered that yet... but I think my idea of giving people options makes them feel like they need to get me everything off my list.

So, I've dabbled in assigning people one or two things to get me. I've made lists specifically catered to the person I'm giving it to. Ryan gets a separate list and my parents get a separate list. But even then, how much is too much? I don't want them to just "make it up as they go along" because we all know how picky I am, not in a mean way.. just in a... picky way (I know, I know, I'm a terrible person). Even so, all I'm ever serious about getting is books and recently, clothes. So if I get that, I'll be happy. Girls are not easy to shop for. We're too picky.

Now onto more important matters...

Shopping for Others:

Why is Christmas so hard.. who came up with giving gifts anyway? I love giving gifts.. nothing warms my heart more than watching the receiver of your gift open it up and smile in awe and hug you with thanks. But also.. nothing hurts more than putting your whole heart into a gift and receiving the complete opposite reaction. Which is why giving gifts is so hard. You hope and hope that the receiver is going to absolutely love your gift.

I, however, think I have found a sneaky, secret way around this problem. HOMEMADE GIFTS!

I'm serious.. nothing is better than receiving something that you know someone spent so much time on.. even if it looks hideous or you have no idea what it is. This is why I love when little kids draw me pictures. They put their whole hearts and imaginations into creating whatever scribbles are on the paper and when they explain to you what it is they drew, you can't help but smile. Same goes for homemade gifts, even if you have no idea what it is or have no use for it, you can't help but put it on a pedestal because some person thought about you and made something with their own hands instead of going to the dollar store and picking up some ridiculous gag gift that you would never in a million years buy for yourself.

There's a sort of charm in homemade gifts and I love them. I love making them and receiving them. It is such a wonderful feeling when the receiver of your homemade gift looks at it and talks about how cute it is then asks where you got it... then you say you made it and they completely flip out. That's when you know they're gonna cherish that gift forever. Obviously, I'm not the only one who has caught onto this secret.. we have websites like Pinterest and Etsy and I'm sure tons of people buy homemade things as gifts.

Of course... don't rely solely on homemade gifts... buying the person socks or a toaster is great too, especially if they've been begging for one all year. Making a gift is just a nice add on.

Which brings me to my next point... men are impossible to shop for. Yeah.. I can make a homemade whatever, but what in the world do you get your boyfriend, father, husband, guy friend.. whatever. What comes to mind first is socks (seeing a trend here?) and giftcards.. I know, I'm so creative. I used to draw Ryan stuff, until I started doubting my talent and I stopped doing that. But I guess that would count as homemade, too, then. I always have the hardest time shopping for the men in my life. I search the internet far and wide and come back with nothing. The best I've gotten is shoes and records for Ryan and a sweater for my dad. For the life of me, I can't shop for them. I'm trying something new this year, but I'll have to write about that after presents are open because I know Ryan reads this (:

In conclusion: 

• Homemade gifts are always wonderful. 
• Don't overwhelm your friends and family with unrealistic gift ideas (unless it's a joke and you don't want any Christmas presents). 
• Gift cards or books are always nice and easy gifts to ask for.
• If you don't know what to get someone, search Pinterest  

And one more thing.. Christmas isn't just about gifts. I know I spend a whole post talking about gift problems, but Christmas is all about the spirit and being with those you love. If you're religious or spiritual, reflect on what the season is all about. If you aren't, go help out at a homeless shelter or donate some canned goods or do something good for those less fortunate than you. Christmas isn't all about giving and receiving.. it's about love. 

I'll be posting more about the holidays after Thanksgiving, haha, I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a gift hungry privileged person.. because at the end of the day, all I want is for there to be more good in the world.

I Disappeared... Now I'm Back (For Good I Hope)

I have a hard time sticking to things that haven't been turned into habits yet... blogging is one of those things. Not just that, but I feel like you have to be in the mood to write, and I haven't been in the longest time. Lame excuse, I know.. but now that I'm not in school anymore, my whole life has been turned upside down... more work (I'm still at a part time job..) and more time to think about where I went wrong and how to come back from it.

When I say "where I went wrong" I don't mean my life sucks and I live in a ditch.. I mean why am I not motivated anymore and how to remotivate myself. I've made a few posts on here describing my lack of imagination, but I think my lack of motivation might be connected to that. One has to be extremely motivated to get into a PhD program.. I know I want to get mine, I just don't think I have enough motivation to push me along. ]

Yeah, yeah, lazy is the first word that comes to mind, but it's so much more than that. It's fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of not being good enough, and fear of wasting time (woah, fear overload). Which is funny because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. But in a way, I'm not. I'm still working towards my goal, just indirectly. I've applied to a few full time jobs that deal with children, which will put my psych skills to use. But, getting a job with just a psychology bachelors is difficult.. and I don't want to be stuck in an office filing paperwork.

So enough about my terrible lack of motivation... the reason why I'm starting to write posts again is mainly because I want ideas flowing in my head again. I have a whole list of topics to write about, and I hope to get through all of them eventually. I've started sketching again and hope to post some of those as well. I want to start writing poetry and short stories as well, but that takes motivation (there's that pesky word again..)

Nevertheless, winter is fast approaching and I love it! Of course, I'm sick at the first sign of cold weather, but that's ok winter, I forgive you. I've already made a mental Christmas list and I know what I'm getting/doing for my loved ones. I might post those ideas on here as well, although, there's always the risk that they might actually read this (hahaha, of course they won't..)

My poor nose, I'm gonna go blow my nose 800 times and drink gallons of tea now!

Poem 4 Revision

The creature is most vulnerable during the nighttime

Work, school, internship,

Repeat.

Work, school, internship.

10:00 PM  –

Bedtime

for a college student.

Face off.

Makeup off.

Brick rose,

alabaster,

flowing down my

cheeks.

Watercolor masterpiece

in the ivory sink.

Eyeliner and mascara

massacre.

Devil eyes.

No.

My eyes.

When I think

of you

I find myself

through the mask.

When the façade

disappears,

I miss you.

The reason why I'm posting this revision is because I really liked it. It was interesting turning my prose poem into this choppy two-word-per-line poem. I even think it flows a little better since it's so dark and the choppiness adds to the tension.

Graduation: Finally-ish

So, I graduated magna cum laude... I earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology. It was a long 3 hour ceremony (not to mention the four years of hard work, ha), but I did it. I managed to not make a fool of myself. I did decorate my cap and didn't know how much I would stand out, but no one seemed to notice. It did help my family find me in the crowd and it kinda made me feel a tiny bit more proud because I thought it looked adorable!

It was really sunny that day, not to mention it was Father's Day, but the pictures we took after the ceremony turned out decent. We were all squinting at the camera, which is why I'm making a funny face in the picture below.

 

Me and Ryan with my diploma cover and flowers from my Dad

I was happy, but now reality kicked in and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I got good grades, I have a degree now, and some job experience.. but I don't even know if I'm ready for a full time job. I see how miserable everyone is in their own jobs and I kind of still want to experience some happiness before I have to commit myself like that.

Also... I'm still planning on going to grad school, so how does all that fit in with a full time job? I think I've convinced myself to procrastinate on getting a full time job until I'm like 30..

For now it's summer and I want my last summer to myself, so maybe I'll write some more poetry, short stories, draw or read some books during this time. I haven't yet, but who knows, maybe I'll get inspired. Inspiration comes when you least expect it.

So far I've been creating some new rings with beads I bought not too long ago and I've updated my Etsy shop with a few of those new rings, so check them out! 

Poem 6 - Inspired by Mary Oliver

Silver-Hooves

In fall

   the rustling of leaves

            on the forest floor

                          is the result

of the silver hooves

    that belong to the deer.

            It tiptoes through the maze

                           of hundreds of trees

thinking it is being cleverly silent

     while startling every wild rabbit,

            red fox, and sleepy owl in sight.

                           With each step the crackling

of leaves gets louder and more obvious

      until the red stares from dark holes become clear.

               The whole forest, even the trees judge the deer

                           for its silver hooves that created a nightmare.

"Time Off"

I have a huge mental list of things I want to do this summer/ during my time off from school. I think the first thing is to figure out a name for my "time off" so I don't have to keep saying "time off" and sounding like a loser. (Keep in mind, this encompasses a year and a half)

The next few things on my list include getting back into some of my old hobbies that I never had time for during college. That includes drawing (which I have miraculously gotten better at), reading, (because I have around 50 books that I bought in the hopes of eventually reading them...), making jewelry (because I got new beads!), and writing (after taking a poetry class, I am more experienced in the art of poetry... not).

But I also have to keep in mind finding a job and getting more experience in the psychology world so I can get into a PhD program. But this will come after summer. I think I deserve a chill summer of doing nothing. I know most college kids that have graduated (funny how we're still called kids...) are starting their jobs right away, but I don't think I'm ready for that. I didn't get time to enjoy life during college, I think three to four months of life enjoyment is way overdue for me. 

During this time I'd also like to take a trip somewhere to refresh my mind. I was hoping to go to Poland to spend time with relatives and enjoy nature, but due to weird circumstances, I don't think that's entirely possible. Next on my list: Iceland, New Zealand, Ireland, Sweden... haha I'm kidding. Minnesota will do just fine. (:

Poem 5 - Take a Guess What This One's About (:

               Burned Wet Flesh 

The awful screech of a teapot ready
reminded me of something from Poe’s poetry.

Phone in hand, I poured the hot water
quickly but carefully as not to falter.

Sugar was next but what I didn’t know
Was that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Steaming water danced across my leg
and left red candle drip marks while I begged
for the pain to stop and the bubbling burn to cool.

No amount of ice was the right tool
that would help me overcome what I now know
that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Last Day of Classes of my Undergraduate Career

Today was it.

Today was my last day of classes at my university. Four years of hard work, three years of commuting, two years of being in my human services internship program, one year of being president of peer mentoring all ended today. I graduate June 15th and it's safe to say that I will be sad.

I really have nothing more to say at the moment because I am trying to take it all in.

Next steps to be determined...

Poem 4 - Prose Poetry

Life would be easier if you were here

 It’s 10:00 PM now – bedtime for an overworked college student. I go to my bathroom and stand in front of the full sized mirror for a few minutes, staring the bags under my eyes until I finally decide to take my face off. Brick rose and alabaster flow down my cheeks into the sink creating a watercolor masterpiece. The bags under my eyes are covered with a mixture of mascara and eyeliner and when I look back up at the mirror I see the devil. But then I find my eyes amidst the massacre and splash cold water on my face to wipe away the day’s mask.

As I slide under the covers I notice

I’m all alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very vivid dream last night which started off with me opening the door to my new apartment. This sounds normal, except for the fact that I'm nowhere near ready to move out, but ok, so I walk into my new apartment. The theme was circus. Now, I don't know what pops into your mind when I say that, but what I mean by "circus" is that everything had bright colored stripes. But it looked elegant and everything matched. It was very bizzare.

So again, even though I just walked into a circus house, that's still not the weird part. What's weird is what happened after I surveyed the area. I walked through my wonderful new apartment, first through my new kitchen, then my new living room area, and as I walked through a hallway to what I guess was supposed to be my room, there was a huge whirlpool bathtub like thing in the master bathroom - like the ones rich people have. It was this large bathroom that looked breathtaking. Ok still not weird. I touched the walls.... which were cloth. There were no walls in the bedroom or bathroom. Just cloth draped over. So I peered through the cloth "walls" and there was a high end hotel/casino!

So in this dream, I basically rented an apartment that was a circus tent in the middle of a hotel/casino. Awesome. It was weird. 

I guess I decided to try out the whirlpool bathtub (even through my walls were cloth?) and when I ducked my head underwater and came back up, I was somewhere else. With people. These people asked me if I was ok and told me that my whole life was a lie.

I don't know what it means. It was really weird and kinda scared me. I mean, I think I can take apart the meaning of the circus tent apartment - the fact that I feel like I have no privacy but the second bit?! I don't know. It's a mystery.

I love dreams and I love decoding them, but sometimes they're terrifying.