Flowers

When I was younger I hated flowers. I hated them because they were too girly and then later I hated them because every girl always got flowers from her boyfriend, and I didn't want to be every girl. For the past few years, however, I've taken a specific liking to flowers. I have floral blankets, floral bed covers, floral pillows, floral notebooks, floral backgrounds on my laptop or websites. I even have floral pajamas... I am crazy about flowers. Why you ask? Well, I finally appreciate the beauty of nature and how miraculous and beautiful flowers really are.

I have, throughout the years, kept dried out flowers, only because people who meant something to me gave them to me and since I'm so sentimental... I couldn't throw them out. Now, I'm stuck with bouquets and bouquets of dried out roses of every color, it almost looks like someone died in my room (so says my mom). I like them though, I can't keep a flower alive for the life of me, so I just let them die and look pretty in my room. I like alive ones too, especially in pictures. I like drawing flowers, even though my art is at a standstill at the moment because of school. I drew this in one of my art classes in high school and I still think of it as my best work of art:

Flowers have become one of my favorite things, I think they always have... I just didn't realize it until I got over my I-hate-flowers-and-girly-things phase. My favorite flowers are white roses and poppy flowers. 

            

White roses because I like white and think they look breathtaking and poppy flowers because my mom always talked about them and how they're all over Poland. They also symbolize dreams and death, so go figure. They're also in a lot of my writing, so that's one way to recognize something written by me.

What's funny about the picture above and the placement of it is that they're the colors of the Polish flag, the way my subconscious works is comical.

My goal is to draw more flowers, some realistic and some a bit more surrealistic like the ones in my picture. I can't wait until Spring (real Spring, not this crappy Chicago weather) to go to the Botanical Garden and take pictures of all the beautiful flowers, maybe sketch some, too. I love looking at all the nature in there, they display it so wonderfully, except I hate the bees.. they scare me. 

I wish to one day have an intricate flower garden when I have a place of my own. A little place with a white wire chair and table for tea and book reading. And there will be a butterfly feeder and tons of bird houses and bird feeders, so it'll be a colorful garden for sure. I guess I should probably start learning how to actually care for and grow flowers so they don't die like everything else in my room.

That is why I love flowers! Ryan thinks I'm crazy because I wear things with flowers on them and it makes me look older, but I don't care (:

Poem 1

I wrote a poem for class and decided to share it on here (:

Imagination 

 

Mermaids with shiny teal scales swim in deep blue waters,

exploring sunken ships that once sailed the seven seas

with dirty, ragged pirates plundering villagers

walking through the night making people yell “please!”

A king adorned in gold barks at his subjects

who only stare back at him with their beady black eyes.

A dark cloaked figure hovers over a child with a bloody object

setting her limp body down and filling her head with lies.

As she takes her last breaths, the mermaids wail,

the pirates yell and the golden king howls

and the hooded figure disappears without a trail.

Red roses and poppy flowers grow

around the little blonde girl laying on the ground

making my loss that much more profound.

More to come!

The Road to Success is Not an Easy One

I've been getting progressively more upset at people's ease of making it big and being successful. They get lucky by knowing someone or just by simply getting lucky. They may buy their way through, bypassing all morals and they may have achieved everything they wanted just in a short amount of time. I get jealous of these people and of their success and I think to myself, "well, why can't I do that?" or "how come they have so much money doing something I could've easily done?" I even get angry at myself that I'm not doing anything that could make me famous and have tons of money. This is incredibly shallow of me, but when I'm stressed out and in need of money these are the lovely things I think of...

However, after watching an episode of Boy Meets World (from the 90's!) where Cory and Topanga had just gotten married and they're struggling to make it in the world, I got back to the root of it all. Cory goes to his parents for help multiple times, first to see if him and his new wife can live with them and later to see if they would co-sign on a loan for a house and each time his parents said they wouldn't help the newlyweds. This upset me but after a while, I realized... this is what should happen. They needed to (I know it's just a show but this applies to real life) learn for themselves and succeed from nothing just like their parents had.

This hit home for me because when my parents and I first moved to America, they had nothing. They risked everything to start a new life and they succeeded. In my eyes, they succeeded very well. We live comfortably now when at first, we started out in a one bedroom, rat and cockroach infested apartment with other people's garbage as our belongings. I know others have it worse, but I'm very proud of my parents for making a life out of nothing. They came into a completely foreign country and succeeded more than anyone thought they ever could.

I want that, I want that incredible feeling of accomplishment. I want to start from nothing and succeed as much as I can. And I know I can succeed. This process makes everything look amazing, it changes your life and makes you appreciate everything so much more - relationships with people, your belongings, money, and most importantly yourself. It makes you proud of yourself, to know that you went all the way and you did the impossible. I want to earn what I get because that is how you learn to truly appreciate things. I believe it's an incredible feeling and I can't wait until I get there.

Getting Out of Bed

If anyone has trouble getting up in the morning and gets really frustrated when 11 am rolls around and you slept through your alarm like I always do, there is hope! 

I don't know about anyone else, but when I oversleep or just don't want to get out of bed, I end up kicking myself later because I feel like I wasted a good chunk of a day. That's the most frustrating part... you're laying there in bed, sleeping and then you notice the time and you get a sinking feeling in your heart thinking of all the things you were supposed to do and all the things you have to do. This usually ruins my day and I end up in a bad mood.

Well, I've been doing something that I think is really helping me get out of bed and prevents (or at least tries to) you from falling back asleep. When my first alarm goes off and I'm awake but want to go back to sleep so badly because I don't want to face the day or I'm too tired, I take the time to count the reasons why I should be awake right at that moment.

I don't know if anyone's thought of this yet (probably has) but this is really good at keeping you awake and making you get up and running. For me, it excites me and then I can't fall back asleep. Sometimes, in the morning, when you're all tired, you don't give yourself time to think about the day ahead of you and you just ignore everything and go back to bed because sleep is the most important thing to you at that moment (at least for me it's like that). 

When we were little, we always had something to be excited about, going to the park, playing with your new toy, going shopping for toys, or playing with your friends outside. As you get older, you lose that excitement for life, so it's important to tell yourself reasons to be happy or reasons why it's worth being awake, or alive.

This method of telling myself reasons to be awake has worked for me for a couple of days now and I plan on doing it every morning. It lets me start off my day in a positive way.
 
You can even tell yourself reasons why you're happy to be alive instead of just reasons to wake up or both can be incorporated into one, it's really your choice. Whatever makes you smile and get out of bed!

*For example, my reasons for getting out of bed today included:

• I could be writing a blog post (which I did!)
• I could be getting ready and showering
• I could be reading my new book
• I could be taking my quiz for school
• I could be doing the rest of my homework
• I could be talking to my parents and spending some time with them
• I could be organizing my room
• I could be cataloging my books

So these are personal to me and everyone will have different reasons to get out of bed, obviously, but since I like being organized and like organizing, these alone can get me of of bed.

Like I said earlier, reasons can include reasons to be alive just to put yourself in that happier mood, which I think I'm also going to start doing as well.

I hope this helps those that are kicking themselves when they oversleep and are put in a bad mood because of it because it's definitely helped me! (:

My Love for Animals

Ever since I was little, collecting tons of Beanie Babies and stuffed animals, I had loved animals. I pretended that they were real (maybe because I lacked real friends) and I always researched animals and I even had/ still have a huge book about animals, which I cherish. My love for animals only grew, to the point where I think I now care about animals more than humans. Now, let me explain. A lot of animals are helpless not to mention harmless. They are like babies, they don't know any better. Humans on the other hand... Well, we have brains (some of us) and we don't really use them.

We have destroyed our land, our home... Now, what animal would purposely destroy their own home? I can't think of any that would. Animals kill for survival and for food, people kill for fun. Animals are free and we claim to be free but if you really think about it.. We really aren't. (I know there are nations that are worse off than America, but this country is not what it originally set out to be)

This gif was taken from tumblr

"You can see the animal in the human and the human in the animal." I love this gif.

I admire animals, I admire their beauty and their lives. I admire all nature and I wish I could live within it among the animals, granted... that I didn't die by getting eaten by something. They don't live as long as we do, but they fulfill their duties and get to live their lives however they want. I'm not an animal expert so I don't know how each animals life is structured and what courses they follow, but from what I've observed, it's a pretty chill life. 

But then again, all I've really seen is what they show us at zoos. I know those animals aren't happy and I wish I could save them and let them go free. In the wild, not in the cities. Those poor animals should never have been captured and put on display. The only reason I'm somewhat ok with zoos is that a lot of the animals are held in captivity so that their species doesn't go extinct. But then again... If it wasn't for us humans killing those animals and destroying their habitats, we wouldn't have to forcefully breed them to keep their species alive.

I know humans aren't the only things that drove animals to extinction, there's global warming (polar bears) and other things as well. However, global warming is caused partly by us so you can almost say that we did drive animals to extinction. Think about deforestation.. That doesn't happen by itself either. This is one of the reasons why I like the World Wildlife Fund (wwf.org) because this group is trying to redeem themselves, they're trying to actually help the animals and do things that benefit them. I have no love for PETA though, sorry, they just aren't accomplishing anything except for angering people and creeping them out. The goal is to help animals, not stray people away from helping them.

Some endangered animals according to the World Wildlife Fund include:

• The Asian Elephant
• The Bengal Tiger
• The Black Rhino
• The Blue Whale
• The Chimpanzee
• The Giant Panda
• Sea Lions
• The Snow Leopard
• The Amur Tiger

These are just a few, there are many many more. And a lot more are vulnerable and on the verge of becoming endangered like Polar Bears and Red Pandas. There are even animals that I've never heard of. I encourage anyone interested to look them up, they're very interesting.

It's all a mess and I wish we hadn't played with God's creatures. I know a long time ago humans killed animals to survive because we are animals too, and I guess if you look at it from Darwin's perspective and natural selection "only the strongest and best suited survive" but isn't it a bit scary to know that we are at the top of the food chain. No one can beat us, unless we're caught off guard. We are our own worst enemy. We kill everything whether its other animals for food or other people for fun. And that's a scary thought.

Pretty soon our children and our children's children (ok not that soon) aren't even going to know about some of these species of animals. The elephant, my favorite animal will only be a legend. Think about that and please, if you can, donate to help these animals. We screwed up their lives while they did nothing to us except grace us with their presence, it's the least we can do.

Working Out

I realized/ re-realize every day that I need to get healthy and get in shape not just for the looks, but because I just don't feel good about myself. I don't feel good in general. I feel heavy and gross and people tell me I look great all the time, which bothers me so much. I know I don't look good and I know I'm overweight. College does that to you. I did realize today that in high school, you have mandatory fitness classes and that basically, throughout your elementary and middle school careers, you had gym class as well. That's why for the post part, everyone was relatively healthy all the time. Now, it's kind of up to you and how you choose to live your life. For me... that's not very healthy. They did teach us well, we're just too lazy, or at least I am, to actually work out. Maybe it's not even laziness, I kind of don't really have time or the energy to work out. 

I mean, sure, they have a gym on campus, but I don't live on campus and I don't have enough money to sign up for a gym membership. Ever since I graduated from high school and those annoying fitness classes finally came to an end, I tried continuing my workouts... didn't work too well. I tried running on the treadmill in my basement every other day, got tired of it and wasn't seeing any results after about two weeks. I bought tons of work out videos for pilates and yoga, not just for working out, for stress too, and I kind of gave up on those after two weeks as well. I think the longest I've ever kept up with a video work out was three weeks, at the beginning of this school year when summer ended. I told myself, "Alright! I'm gonna get in shape by next summer!" Didn't really last. School started getting more and more stressful and homework kept piling up so the desire to work out or do anything other than homework, eat and sleep dwindled. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm gonna be a work out machine, but I have noticed that I'm not getting any younger, or any skinnier for that matter... but I am going to really try (how many times have I said that one before?) to get in shape. Maybe I won't be perfect by the summer, but before then the weather will be nice enough to go for weekly one to two mile walks and maybe those walks can turn into runs.

I do know I want to start living a healthier and more active lifestyle because if there's one thing I took out of reminiscing about annoying high school requirements, is that gym class wasn't just a school thing, it's a lifestyle thing that I stupidly took out of my life hoping that I would just stay in shape forever.

And I think every college student should realize that the freshman 15 is real and the only way to combat it is by actually working out and watching what you eat.

Let's see how this change of heart goes for me. Up till now its been a slow process of cutting out the processed foods and fast foods, no more McDonalds runs or fatty foods.. (so hard!) and slowly adding in more active past-times such as ice skating in the winter, which we've done, and going on walks and such, which we've also been doing.     

Snow Day

All of last night I couldn't sleep because I was trying to find out whether or not I had to wake up at 5 in the morning to go to school because there was supposed to be a snowstorm the next day and most schools in Chicago had already announced they were going to be closed. Long story short, I woke up at 5, went to school and awaited a huge snowstorm only to find out at the end of my first class that classes will get out at 1 pm. The only reason I went to school was for my class at 1 because I had to present about adolescent depression in my psych class.  

It's snowing!

When I found out that classes were cancelled before I had my presentation I was beyond angry. But that's life and I guess I don't have to present anymore because we're tight on time and there are a lot of students in that class. (I only have three days of school left before the quarter ends) 

I love the snow but when it messes with classes and ruins my day is when I'm a little less than fond of it. The only positive I'm taking from this experience is that I ended up not having to present considering I'm a horrible speaker and always freak out before I have to speak in front of a group of people and the fact that I got to go home a bit earlier. However, if I had known beforehand that classes would end at 1 pm, I would not have gone to school at all.

So basically, I just wasted a whole day trying to get to two classes which were not even worth going to and I got a lot more anger out of it than actual benefit. I had to walk through at least 3-4 inches of snow in knit Uggs (not smart on my part) and freeze outside. I know, I know... at least I got home safe and everything turned out fine in the end.

The thing that worries me most about such huge snowstorms is that everyone gets home safe, my mom, dad and Ryan. They all did, thank God, which is all that really matters. I'm thankful everyone was safe and I hope this was the last big snowstorm of the season.. it is March now, so it's gotta stop someday.

Let Spring come!

Like I said earlier... I love winter, but March is not a winter month, so please snow, let us all be safe and just go away until November when I actually want you.

The Ivory Girl - Short Story

I tried posting my story on here, like I said I would earlier, but I realized it was way too long and would just be obnoxious as a blog post so I posted it to my wattpad page which you can click on here:

The Ivory Girl on Wattpad

It's a short story, so it's only three pages long. It shouldn't take that long to read but it's basically about a young couple who can't get away from their haunting past. It's in progress, so it's not perfect. However, if you have any comments or suggestions, let me know by commenting below!

If I end up editing it, I'll obviously post the changes. The main things I might change are the title and the ending because I didn't really know how to name and end the story. Sometimes editing can turn a whole story into something completely different, so you never know. My story is being workshopped in my Creative Writing class next week but I really wanted to post a draft of it (:

Coloring!

So I've been really stressed out lately due to the fact that I have a lot of stuff due these coming weeks since the quarter ends in about three weeks... I still haven't started my 6 page story, which is due tomorrow, well... I started it but it's awful. I took my moms suggestion and went with a "secret garden" topic (which both her and I love the movie which is based off of the book), so it wasn't really surprising that she picked it. I was quite fond of the topic myself, I just didn't know where to go with it. I might post it on wattpad and post a link on here if it turns out relatively ok.

But since I've been so stressed out, I thought of a perfect way to get rid of the stress... Something fun and childish. It doesn't require any thought (unless you're a perfectionist) and it can take your mind off of anything: 

Coloring! 

Ryan and I colored a couple days ago and it felt wonderful. Ryan bought me a Looney Tunes coloring book and I bet he thought I was never going to use it. The very next week, we colored from it.

         

 

Mine is the Bugs Bunny one because he's my favorite and Ryan's favorite is Taz so naturally he picked that. 

Coloring made me feel like a kid again which is something I desperately need. Of course, I'm a perfectionist so I shaded and tried coloring in the lines. Regardless, coloring can be a sort of therapy for a person because like I mentioned earlier, it requires almost no thought. And that is wonderful when you have so much going on in your life.

So my advice to everyone is: Go to the dollar store or search through your childhood toys and find that coloring book that made you feel special when you were young, and color the crap out of it. I'm sure a lot of people need it.(:

Brainstorming

I am currently in a Creative Writing class because I am trying to enhance my writing ability. I love writing and all, but I hate assignments, as does probably the whole population of the world. I've had a couple of assignments to write beginnings of short stories and poems (which I cannot create for the life of me), and since this quarter is slowly coming to an end, I was assigned to write a six page short story. Now, at first, this sounded fine and I was sure I'd come up with something before it was due... it is now four days before the due date and I have nothing.

Complete writers block.

What to do, what to do? Well, I've been researching brainstorming ideas and we even did a cool brainstorming activity in class (which would've helped a lot if I actually had a topic). So I decided to share some of the brainstorming activities I've come up with/ researched.

This brainstorming activity I believe was a part of author John Gardner's "Vivid Continuous Dream" (as stated in my English class), and it requires one to get completely relaxed and really see what they are trying to write about.

1. Close your eyes and get relaxed.

To get to this relaxed state, one must concentrate on their breathing.

Push everything from that day aside and breathe in.

And out.

2. Pick a scene from your story/ piece of writing.

Concentrate on a single scene.

Visualize it, walk around, touch the objects in your scene, listen to the sounds in your scene.

3. Visualize what your main character or yourself is doing.

Picture what that person is wearing, what the fabric feels like.

Picture what that persons face, hair, body looks like.

Picture how they walk, how they talk and what their facial expressions are

Optional step 3a. Visualize a secondary or tertiary character

Repeat step 3.

4. Have your main character interact with your secondary character.

How do they interact, what emotions do they feel?

What are each of your characters facial expressions?

Imagine what they speak of, how they act.

5. Open your eyes and write!

Take in everything you just visualized and write down just how you felt, smelled, heard and saw it.

I think this is a very helpful method, especially if you are stuck in a rough spot trying to describe scene or action. It can help you be there. It's called "Vivid Continuous Dream" because after doing this exercise, basically almost like making up your own dream, you can write down what you saw in this fake dream. The end result is that it will sound continuous with a lot of detail because it was as if you were actually there.

Other brainstorming/ getting your brain to work activities include:

• making lists
• taking breaks between writing
• reading other peoples works to get ideas
• taking a walk outside and getting some fresh air
• drink tea! (this is just something I do, it probably has no actual benefit...)
• sleep on it
• watch some T.V shows
• listen to your favorite music or listen to classical music
• force yourself to write for a given amount of time, say 15 minutes (I was told that after you get everything you want to say out of your mind after the first 5 to 10 minutes, your subconscious starts to work and you can get some pretty cool stuff down on paper)
• keep a daily journal writing down anything that inspires you or doesn't
• write down your dreams
• eat a healthy meal
• exercise
• look at art 
• go on websites like Pinterest or Stumbleupon

That's my list so far... If I think of any more, I'll add them later.

This doesn't just have to be for writing, it can be for drawing, painting, sculpting, crafting, music making, anything really. 

My Thoughts:

Inspiration is something I really lack, so I rely heavily on these activities to make my brain work creatively. Most of the time I read scientific articles and books about psychology which really doesn't promote creativity, so when I have the chance to sit down and write or draw, it's hard for me to do anything. My brain is basically fried by the end of the day, which is probably true for a lot of people who don't work in any creative field.

Art is what keeps me going most of the time, so when I lack the time and inspiration is when I'm at my worst: most stressed, most angry and most irritable. When I have the time to get my thoughts out on paper in any form of art, writing or drawing, it is almost therapeutic for me. The fact that one's brain can slow down for 10 minutes and not have to be attentive or alert can really help eliminate stress. We live our lives going 50 miles an hour daily and it's nice to have those days where you only have to go 5 miles an hour to slow down and really be here. Really be alive and in the present.

This being in the present concept hit me a couple days ago when I realized I'm 21 now and it's already February. I've been 21 for almost a month now and what do I have to show for it? Stress and unhappiness? I want to live my life to the fullest, not watch myself grow older. I have a bucket list and I really do plan on doing everything on it, as long as I have enough money for it.

Also with this epiphany came my realization that I really do want to get a PhD (completely irrelevant to the topic). I know it'll take a lot of work, but I think in the end it is what will benefit me the most and make me the happiest. That being said, I don't want my life to start after I get a stable job and a house and stuff, I want to be able to enjoy life right now - moneyless and tied to school. (impossible, right? We'll see..)  

Inspiration will come to me.. it can't be lost forever.