I Disappeared... Now I'm Back (For Good I Hope)

I have a hard time sticking to things that haven't been turned into habits yet... blogging is one of those things. Not just that, but I feel like you have to be in the mood to write, and I haven't been in the longest time. Lame excuse, I know.. but now that I'm not in school anymore, my whole life has been turned upside down... more work (I'm still at a part time job..) and more time to think about where I went wrong and how to come back from it.

When I say "where I went wrong" I don't mean my life sucks and I live in a ditch.. I mean why am I not motivated anymore and how to remotivate myself. I've made a few posts on here describing my lack of imagination, but I think my lack of motivation might be connected to that. One has to be extremely motivated to get into a PhD program.. I know I want to get mine, I just don't think I have enough motivation to push me along. ]

Yeah, yeah, lazy is the first word that comes to mind, but it's so much more than that. It's fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of not being good enough, and fear of wasting time (woah, fear overload). Which is funny because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. But in a way, I'm not. I'm still working towards my goal, just indirectly. I've applied to a few full time jobs that deal with children, which will put my psych skills to use. But, getting a job with just a psychology bachelors is difficult.. and I don't want to be stuck in an office filing paperwork.

So enough about my terrible lack of motivation... the reason why I'm starting to write posts again is mainly because I want ideas flowing in my head again. I have a whole list of topics to write about, and I hope to get through all of them eventually. I've started sketching again and hope to post some of those as well. I want to start writing poetry and short stories as well, but that takes motivation (there's that pesky word again..)

Nevertheless, winter is fast approaching and I love it! Of course, I'm sick at the first sign of cold weather, but that's ok winter, I forgive you. I've already made a mental Christmas list and I know what I'm getting/doing for my loved ones. I might post those ideas on here as well, although, there's always the risk that they might actually read this (hahaha, of course they won't..)

My poor nose, I'm gonna go blow my nose 800 times and drink gallons of tea now!

Poem 4 Revision

The creature is most vulnerable during the nighttime

Work, school, internship,

Repeat.

Work, school, internship.

10:00 PM  –

Bedtime

for a college student.

Face off.

Makeup off.

Brick rose,

alabaster,

flowing down my

cheeks.

Watercolor masterpiece

in the ivory sink.

Eyeliner and mascara

massacre.

Devil eyes.

No.

My eyes.

When I think

of you

I find myself

through the mask.

When the façade

disappears,

I miss you.

The reason why I'm posting this revision is because I really liked it. It was interesting turning my prose poem into this choppy two-word-per-line poem. I even think it flows a little better since it's so dark and the choppiness adds to the tension.

Graduation: Finally-ish

So, I graduated magna cum laude... I earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology. It was a long 3 hour ceremony (not to mention the four years of hard work, ha), but I did it. I managed to not make a fool of myself. I did decorate my cap and didn't know how much I would stand out, but no one seemed to notice. It did help my family find me in the crowd and it kinda made me feel a tiny bit more proud because I thought it looked adorable!

It was really sunny that day, not to mention it was Father's Day, but the pictures we took after the ceremony turned out decent. We were all squinting at the camera, which is why I'm making a funny face in the picture below.

 

Me and Ryan with my diploma cover and flowers from my Dad

I was happy, but now reality kicked in and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I got good grades, I have a degree now, and some job experience.. but I don't even know if I'm ready for a full time job. I see how miserable everyone is in their own jobs and I kind of still want to experience some happiness before I have to commit myself like that.

Also... I'm still planning on going to grad school, so how does all that fit in with a full time job? I think I've convinced myself to procrastinate on getting a full time job until I'm like 30..

For now it's summer and I want my last summer to myself, so maybe I'll write some more poetry, short stories, draw or read some books during this time. I haven't yet, but who knows, maybe I'll get inspired. Inspiration comes when you least expect it.

So far I've been creating some new rings with beads I bought not too long ago and I've updated my Etsy shop with a few of those new rings, so check them out! 

Poem 6 - Inspired by Mary Oliver

Silver-Hooves

In fall

   the rustling of leaves

            on the forest floor

                          is the result

of the silver hooves

    that belong to the deer.

            It tiptoes through the maze

                           of hundreds of trees

thinking it is being cleverly silent

     while startling every wild rabbit,

            red fox, and sleepy owl in sight.

                           With each step the crackling

of leaves gets louder and more obvious

      until the red stares from dark holes become clear.

               The whole forest, even the trees judge the deer

                           for its silver hooves that created a nightmare.

"Time Off"

I have a huge mental list of things I want to do this summer/ during my time off from school. I think the first thing is to figure out a name for my "time off" so I don't have to keep saying "time off" and sounding like a loser. (Keep in mind, this encompasses a year and a half)

The next few things on my list include getting back into some of my old hobbies that I never had time for during college. That includes drawing (which I have miraculously gotten better at), reading, (because I have around 50 books that I bought in the hopes of eventually reading them...), making jewelry (because I got new beads!), and writing (after taking a poetry class, I am more experienced in the art of poetry... not).

But I also have to keep in mind finding a job and getting more experience in the psychology world so I can get into a PhD program. But this will come after summer. I think I deserve a chill summer of doing nothing. I know most college kids that have graduated (funny how we're still called kids...) are starting their jobs right away, but I don't think I'm ready for that. I didn't get time to enjoy life during college, I think three to four months of life enjoyment is way overdue for me. 

During this time I'd also like to take a trip somewhere to refresh my mind. I was hoping to go to Poland to spend time with relatives and enjoy nature, but due to weird circumstances, I don't think that's entirely possible. Next on my list: Iceland, New Zealand, Ireland, Sweden... haha I'm kidding. Minnesota will do just fine. (:

Poem 5 - Take a Guess What This One's About (:

               Burned Wet Flesh 

The awful screech of a teapot ready
reminded me of something from Poe’s poetry.

Phone in hand, I poured the hot water
quickly but carefully as not to falter.

Sugar was next but what I didn’t know
Was that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Steaming water danced across my leg
and left red candle drip marks while I begged
for the pain to stop and the bubbling burn to cool.

No amount of ice was the right tool
that would help me overcome what I now know
that Jasmine tea would be my biggest foe.

Last Day of Classes of my Undergraduate Career

Today was it.

Today was my last day of classes at my university. Four years of hard work, three years of commuting, two years of being in my human services internship program, one year of being president of peer mentoring all ended today. I graduate June 15th and it's safe to say that I will be sad.

I really have nothing more to say at the moment because I am trying to take it all in.

Next steps to be determined...

Poem 4 - Prose Poetry

Life would be easier if you were here

 It’s 10:00 PM now – bedtime for an overworked college student. I go to my bathroom and stand in front of the full sized mirror for a few minutes, staring the bags under my eyes until I finally decide to take my face off. Brick rose and alabaster flow down my cheeks into the sink creating a watercolor masterpiece. The bags under my eyes are covered with a mixture of mascara and eyeliner and when I look back up at the mirror I see the devil. But then I find my eyes amidst the massacre and splash cold water on my face to wipe away the day’s mask.

As I slide under the covers I notice

I’m all alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very vivid dream last night which started off with me opening the door to my new apartment. This sounds normal, except for the fact that I'm nowhere near ready to move out, but ok, so I walk into my new apartment. The theme was circus. Now, I don't know what pops into your mind when I say that, but what I mean by "circus" is that everything had bright colored stripes. But it looked elegant and everything matched. It was very bizzare.

So again, even though I just walked into a circus house, that's still not the weird part. What's weird is what happened after I surveyed the area. I walked through my wonderful new apartment, first through my new kitchen, then my new living room area, and as I walked through a hallway to what I guess was supposed to be my room, there was a huge whirlpool bathtub like thing in the master bathroom - like the ones rich people have. It was this large bathroom that looked breathtaking. Ok still not weird. I touched the walls.... which were cloth. There were no walls in the bedroom or bathroom. Just cloth draped over. So I peered through the cloth "walls" and there was a high end hotel/casino!

So in this dream, I basically rented an apartment that was a circus tent in the middle of a hotel/casino. Awesome. It was weird. 

I guess I decided to try out the whirlpool bathtub (even through my walls were cloth?) and when I ducked my head underwater and came back up, I was somewhere else. With people. These people asked me if I was ok and told me that my whole life was a lie.

I don't know what it means. It was really weird and kinda scared me. I mean, I think I can take apart the meaning of the circus tent apartment - the fact that I feel like I have no privacy but the second bit?! I don't know. It's a mystery.

I love dreams and I love decoding them, but sometimes they're terrifying.

My Tea Has Betrayed Me

I make tea maybe three times a day. Usually before I leave for school, my internship, or work. Other times I make it throughout the day if there's nothing going on. When I make it before I go somewhere, I pour it into my thermos to take with me. When you pour boiling water into a thermos it's really really hot. 

So here's me getting ready for my internship, on the phone with Ryan, and the teapot whistles. I go to turn it off, and pour it into my thermos. The Jasmine green tea bag is already in there. The only thing missing is the sugar. I turn around to grab a spoon and turn back around to face the counter. The sugar bowl is in the corner and as I reach for it, I knock over the thermos full of steaming, boiling hot water.

It spills all over my left leg.

Take a second to take that in.

So I start freaking out, throw the phone down on a nearby counter and scream in pain. Poor Ryan, he didn't know what happened. So there I was, sitting against a counter with a bright red leg. The first thing I grabbed for was ice, cuz the fridge was nearby. I know you're not supposed to put ice on a burn, but it was the first thing that came to my mind and it helped. Several minutes later, when I reached my bathroom, I was able to put wet cloths over my burn. This helped for very brief periods because after about 20 to 30 seconds, the whole cloth was very warm, so I ran it under the sink with cold water for about half an hour. After that, aloe vera was my best friend, and then neosporin.

So now I walk funny and have a huge burn on my leg thanks to my clumsiness and the tea that betrayed me.