Gluten Free is the Way to Be

When I was born in a small town hospital in Poland, the conditions weren't as clean as one would hope. My mom and I caught a disease because hospitals in general carry a lot of diseases, it didn't help that I was a preemie. The way they cured me of whatever disease I had, which basically took all the nutrients from the food I was ingesting, was by feeding me the sticky stuff that stays in the pan after you boil rice. And it helped, home remedy anyone?, I'm clearly still alive.

Fast-forward 22 years.. now I'm not gonna go self-diagnosing myself but lately I haven't been feeling too well after eating anything. My diet was mostly made up of sandwiches, pasta, pizza, burgers, bagels, chocolate, etc. I cut out dairy in my diet very early on, minus chocolate, because it made me sick, easy - lactose intolerance. So that was figured out, but what wasn't was why I was still nauseous after eating normal foods. 

I had a bad burger one day, aka, undercooked, and I lost it. I was sick and tired of feeling sick after feeding myself. I gave up beef and looked toward a more healthy approach to my diet. One day, when Ryan and I were at McDonalds, I decided to do something crazy... I ordered a salad. OMG, right? Gross, I hated salads. But I had one and it was good. Thus started my salad craze. I would come home from school and make a salad for myself varying the ingredients from romaine lettuce to iceberg to chicken to chicken nuggets, corn, carrots, etc. I've been doing this for maybe a month now? I'm still not an expert on salad making so I'm sticking to the basics.

Ok, so I cut out dark meat and pretty much started a salad only diet.. I ate bagels and toast and pasta now. One problem... I still felt sick after eating. When was it going to end?! I swear I tried everything until one day two weeks ago I had dragged my mom to Target with me to pick out healthy foods and I saw those little capri-sun looking applesauce squeezy pouches (I know.. great description), and I said "Hey, these look good and they have a mixture of fruits. I don't care that they're for kids, I wanna try!" After a lot of convincing, a box of GoGo SqueeZe's was in the cart. 

At home we both tried one, disregarding the fact that they tasted amazing, my mom decided to look at the back of the pouch where it said vegan and gluten free. Of course, since my mom can't speak amazing English, she asked what gluten meant... I gave her the only answer I knew: "It's that stuff people cut out of their diet because it's popular to do that now," in a condescending tone. This wasn't a good enough answer for her, so I looked it up on Google. This was the start of the end of my pain.

Gluten is a protein that is found in wheat, barley, rye, and others like those. Meaning, that one who is allergic or cannot digest wheat needs to follow a gluten free diet. The reason I said earlier, "I will not diagnose myself" was because along with gluten intolerance comes Celiac disease on search engines. Celiac disease is where an individuals' intenstines are damaged after ingesting gluten, so nutrients aren't absorbed into that individual's system (sound familiar... scroll up). Again.. not self-diagnosing, but after I've cut gluten out of my diet, I have felt better - so it could just be a gluten intolerance. 

Regardless, that little squeeze pouch saved me from the years of pain and digestive problems I've been experiencing and led me to discover a healthier lifestyle. Peppermint tea helps as well. Long story short, I feel better now!

And also, sorry for bashing those who cut gluten out of their diet; who knows, they might have good reasons to do so, Lord knows I do.

Who Am I?

I made a video! Watch it, it's super awkward and I know how everyone loves watching awkward people (: Enjoy!

When I said I want to be YouTube famous, I didn't really mean it in a money hungry way. It would just be nice to be heard by others and be able to offer advice and be a role model; however, like I said... no ideas in the mind I'm stuck with.

By the way, I am super self conscious about appearing way younger than I am, but I am 22, so I don't know if that's a good thing or not.. I'm not 16, even though in my mind I am.

Owl Spirit

Speaking of spirit animals, I heard an owl a couple months ago. You may think it's completely normal but I was terrified. I mean, I was walking to my kitchen around midnight, so it's dark and spooky. And all of a sudden, I hear "hoot, hoot." I literally jumped and looked around, for some reason maybe thinking there was an owl in my house? It was in the dead of winter, too, and so I looked out my front window and tried spotting it (you know how in the winter before or after it snows, it's bright out at night?) but I couldn't see it because.. well.. it was dark. And then again "hoot, hoot." Right, so by this point I was thoroughly freaked out.

I opened my front door to listen to the dumb think hoot again.. and it did. Yeah, I ran to my room and hid under the covers like a terrified five year old child. I don't know why, but it was extremely creepy. Now, this was probably after I watched some scary movie with Ryan, but I swear there was an owl out there. And if there wasn't, why would I be imagining an owl, randomly? When I don't even think about owls because they are so rare here in Chicago.. in the middle of winter. 

I'm kind of glad I didn't actually see one, because when I was brave enough to get out from under the covers, I Googled images of owls and they are terrifying. Now imagine seeing this at midnight...

daily-owls.tumblr.com

Yeah, not fun. Oh, it gives me goosebumps just looking at this. 

But I also looked up what it meant to see an owl, again because it was so rare to see one where I live and because I believe in that things-happen-for-a-reason thing. Well, I found out that owls represent protection and wisdom. I feel like we all know the wisdom part because of Owl from Winnie the Pooh, but anyway... I was just talking to Ryan about a situation in which I felt like I needed to protect him from someone, which was super odd that I saw that owl that night. I am generally super protective about him as he is about me, but it was so weird that on that specific night I heard that owl.

The knowledge aspect of it fell through, of course... but at the time I thought it represented the fact that I was going back to the way I used to be and was getting some extra wisdom from the owl spirit. I thought things were starting to look up for me. Nope. Ha. The few months after that, leading up till now have been disastrous in many ways, but I don't want to jinx anything so I won't say anything more.

It was just weird that on that specific night that owl came to me in the dead of the night and hooted a couple times to scare the crap out of me. This never happened again. I am probably looking WAY more into this than I should be, but hey, I like finding meaning in things that are arbitrary - it's one of the things that makes life fun.

Spirit Animals - Your Spiritual Guide

So, I know people think spirit animals are a joke, but for those who believe in that stuff, it helps keep you in tune with nature. The concept of spirit animals to me means having an animal as a spiritual guide. Animals have been on this earth a bit longer than we have and they follow a natural cycle that we humans have greatly interrupted. I feel sympathy for all animals and am drawn to their freedom and knowledge of the natural world.

I guess you find out your spirit animal when a specific animal comes to you constantly in your dreams or in real life a deer visits you frequently or a fox shows up at your doorstep every week. Usually the animal will be one that you feel a strong connection with or one that is your favorite animal. For example, my main spirit animal is a polar bear, but his buddies include the elephant and red panda.

I have many polar bear stuffed animals around my room and I feel particularly drawn to them; also, one visits me in my dreams at times. As for the elephant and red panda... I love elephants - I collect little figurines and stuffed animals, yes I'm 22, of them. The red panda has always fascinated me and always will even though it's on the brink of extinction (save the red pandas!) I guess I just feel a special connection with these three animals in specific.

• The elephant spirit represents gentle strength, loyalty, and love of family, partners and friends
• The polar bear spirit represents flexibility in terms of change - also is a creature of dreams
• The red panda spirit represents seeing through peoples masks or in other words, truthseekrs

A nice list that includes a variety of animals, visit this website as well as this one for a more complete list.

This may all sound silly, but there's something about an animal being a spirit guide that is so alluring and primitive. I don't know too much about this topic, but I do know spirit animals or spiritual guides stem from the Native American culture. This culture in general is fascinating enough, but being an animal lover myself, I am drawn to the idea of spirit animals.

Animals are so innocent and natural that it makes them great spiritual guides. These furry things are so pure and are themselves guided by nature, which is a good reason to follow them. To me, animals are better than humans and having an animal guide is a really cool concept - especially taking example from them because of their purity. Young children and animals are great sources of innocence which as we grow older, we lose that innocence. Humans strive for the things they don't have, so it makes sense that we look toward something that has what we want.

Basically, animals are cooler than humans and we need guidance in terms of spirituality and what better place to look than those furry creatures who know a bit more about nature than we do.

Side note: I wrote an earlier version of this post, but it got deleted, so this is what was left in my memory of the wonderfully written previous post. I'm a bit disappointed at my carelessness, but at least I remembered some of it. So if this post sounds a bit... unorganized, this is why! ):

I'm Graduating? What?

Yeah, I'm graduating in June. Graduating college. Going off into the real world. 

Many of my recent posts on here have been me freaking out about life after college, which is a valid fear because that life for new grads is full of the unknown. But it's mostly filled with unwanted babysitting jobs and living at your parent's house until you decide to get a higher degree in your chosen field. 

For me, this fate has been fast approaching. It's April now, and I graduate in one.. two... two months, not even. Wow that's terrifying. What's more terrifying is that everyone seems to have a plan.

What's my plan...? 

Well, my plan is procrastinating from making a plan. I had a plan - graduate school for clinical psychology. That plan got quickly crushed by realists who informed me that it is near impossible for a newly graduated undergrad student to get accepted into a PhD program in clinical psychology. Ok.

So, I played around with ideas about being a counselor of some sort and applying to a master's program. No, my brain wouldn't accept that. It wanted to go all the way - PhD. Thanks brain, for setting such an unrealistic goal for myself.

Whatever, so I've settled on taking a year off (let's see where this leads...) and hopefully I'll get involved in stuff that will boost my resume. Other than that, I've got nothing. I hope to find some sort of a job, probably babysitting, to make some money because grad school is expensive and maybe focus on the more artistic side of myself for a change. Grad school applications are due December 1st, so I got a full seven months to do this. Oh, why does that feel like it's not enough!?

Because it's not. 

Maybe I'll just become a writer and see where that takes me...

Poem 3

      Agoraphobia

I plunge into the ocean of my mind,

terrified of what I might find.

There in the depths are things

that should not be uncovered.

I lie awake at night and I’m drowning.

The thoughts crashing into me,

bringing me down.

I’m falling deeper and deeper.

As I pass through the layers of the ocean,

it’s getting harder to breathe.

I am suffocated by the water

that is filling my lungs.

Huge beasts, ten times my size

float around effortlessly –

Dancing and twirling gracefully.

They hover over me, mocking me.

I look right and I see blue.

I look left and I see blue.

Just ocean as far as the mind can see.

It never ends.

I can’t swim.

I can’t win.

Etsy Store!

I finally opened my own Etsy store! It's up and running and ready for people. Just click on my banner and it will take you to my page. I sell rings, and will soon add more as soon as I make more products. Also, these are made to order, so if you do not see anything in your size, just let me know and I will make it. Next to be posted in the near future are earrings.

This is all handmade with love by me (:

Please enjoy and if you have any suggestions, please let me know! I'll be sure to take them into consideration. I love doing projects and love ideas.

Moving Out and Moving On With Life

So, I guess this is like a part 2 to my previous post, but this one is more about the fears I have about being successful. I literally don't think I have the courage to leave my childhood home. That's so lame because everyone needs to leave eventually. I have been making all these plans and plans of plans and different versions of plans about where to move, what to do and blah blah. 

The basis of my two main plans are move to Minnesota or stay here and move to the city. That in itself is a hard decision. To leave the place I've called home and have grown comfortable with for 20 years or up and move to a new state completely and see where that journey takes me? I love Minnesota, I really do, and I would love to move there... but something is holding me back. Maybe it's uncertainty, maybe it's guilt. Guilt that I haven't spent enough time with my parents, guilt that I'm leaving them... this is what I talked about in my previous post. Do not guilt your children!! Because then they turn into me and won't leave home.

I've just gotten used to the city since I commute to school there everyday and I know Chicago has a lot of opportunities for psychologists, more so than Minnesota. But again, this is the only place I've known. I want to leave but I want to stay. I want to see if there is something more out there for me. I really don't like Chicago but I know I'll miss it when I move away. It's a comfort thing, too. I feel comfortable here because I know everything and if I move, I will know nothing.

But then again... my parents moved to a whole new country without knowing the language so who am I to talk about comfort and uncertainty..

I don't know what will make me most successful. I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I know I want to earn my PhD, but confusion has invaded my brain. At this point, I just want to stay at home and do nothing forever. College does this to you, I guess.

Can't Leave Nest Syndrome

We've all heard of Empty Nest syndrome - a phenomenon where a mother (or father?) feels sad or depressed, empty, when their child leaves for college or leaves the home. Well.. I think I may be experiencing the opposite. I think I'm experiencing Can't Leave Nest syndrome, where I'm too comfortable in my parents home and too afraid to spread my wings and fly. I'm like that one bird that never learned how to fly and just stays in the nest getting fat off of it's mom's worm vomit. Except in my case it's my moms cooking.

I guess a good reason for me wanting to stay, for now, is that I don't need to be anywhere else. I am finishing up my last year of college, so they're providing me with a roof over my head. I can imagine why others may be experiencing this made up phenomenon. The job market isn't the best now and young adults fresh out of college can't find jobs. However, I do think that once we become comfortable in the nest our parents have made, it's very hard to leave.

In high school many go through a rebellious phase where everyone just wants to get out of the house and says to their parents constantly: "When I turn 18 I'm gonna move out and you'll never see me agian!" Or at least that's what I said amidst bouts of anger. When we do go off to college or move out cuz we can, we experience the cold cruel world and either come out successful or crash and burn and want to go back home. I went away to college for my freshman year and I certainly experienced the second. I wasn't even really out in the real world, I was living in a dorm getting tuition, room and board, and food paid for by my dad; but even then, I realized I didn't want to be away from the nest.

The nest is comfortable. It's where we grew up, learned how to love, got our hearts broken, were comforted by our parents, etc. But it's the past. The future is full of new experiences, new memories and new people. We have our own nests to build now, we can't be crowding our parents nest. As much as I love my parents and the home I grew up in, there are certainly memories I want to leave behind and new memories I want to be made. Humans are meant to experience change, that's why we don't stay babies our whole lives. We develop into fully functioning adults (sometimes) who should be able to leave their nests!!

Part of the reason why I write this is because I am experiencing this little made up phenomenon and part of it is because I am finishing up my senior year of college with no expectations for the future. I hope to get a full time job and eventually move out and then go to grad school. But because of these feelings of Can't Leave Nest syndrome, I feel like I'm being held back.

Also, parents need to encourage their children to leave the nest. If parents are still holding their 20 something year old children by the leash, spoiling them with warm meals and presents all the time, the child will never leave because, well.. why would they. They have everything because the parents are providing everything. Parents!! Let your children go! If you have raised them right, they will repay you in the future. They will visit you and care for you and give you grandchildren, but they can't do that if you never let go of them in the first place. (Oh and don't make them feel guilty for leaving you to go make a life for themselves. They love you but need to leave the nest before their lives are ruined and they forever regress into childhood.)

Lack of Inspiration

I am having huge cravings to draw something.. anything, but for the life of me, I can't draw anything. Oh, it's the worst. I am so uninspired and unmotivated to do what I love. I even took a class this past quarter called "Creativity and Inspiration." That's how desperate I am to get inspired again. I guess it stems from my fear of not being good enough. (There's my inner psychologist talking..) Perfection can really hinder progress of any sort.

For example, when I start drawing something I, like many others, get frustrated when my line is shaky or my line drawing looks nothing like I wanted it to. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I just wing it and take it as it is, but most of the time I start and end very soon because of that frustration. I would give anything to just not give a care in the world and just draw my heart out - that is how you get better at something.. practice. How can I practice if I'm so afraid of failure?

This dumb fear is keeping me from doing something I love. Go away fear. Let me draw. ):

I have so many ideas, so many plans of drawing beautiful works of art, but they can never come to fruition if I don't face my fear. Maybe this winter break I can finally face that fear.