Owl Spirit

Speaking of spirit animals, I heard an owl a couple months ago. You may think it's completely normal but I was terrified. I mean, I was walking to my kitchen around midnight, so it's dark and spooky. And all of a sudden, I hear "hoot, hoot." I literally jumped and looked around, for some reason maybe thinking there was an owl in my house? It was in the dead of winter, too, and so I looked out my front window and tried spotting it (you know how in the winter before or after it snows, it's bright out at night?) but I couldn't see it because.. well.. it was dark. And then again "hoot, hoot." Right, so by this point I was thoroughly freaked out.

I opened my front door to listen to the dumb think hoot again.. and it did. Yeah, I ran to my room and hid under the covers like a terrified five year old child. I don't know why, but it was extremely creepy. Now, this was probably after I watched some scary movie with Ryan, but I swear there was an owl out there. And if there wasn't, why would I be imagining an owl, randomly? When I don't even think about owls because they are so rare here in Chicago.. in the middle of winter. 

I'm kind of glad I didn't actually see one, because when I was brave enough to get out from under the covers, I Googled images of owls and they are terrifying. Now imagine seeing this at midnight...

daily-owls.tumblr.com

Yeah, not fun. Oh, it gives me goosebumps just looking at this. 

But I also looked up what it meant to see an owl, again because it was so rare to see one where I live and because I believe in that things-happen-for-a-reason thing. Well, I found out that owls represent protection and wisdom. I feel like we all know the wisdom part because of Owl from Winnie the Pooh, but anyway... I was just talking to Ryan about a situation in which I felt like I needed to protect him from someone, which was super odd that I saw that owl that night. I am generally super protective about him as he is about me, but it was so weird that on that specific night I heard that owl.

The knowledge aspect of it fell through, of course... but at the time I thought it represented the fact that I was going back to the way I used to be and was getting some extra wisdom from the owl spirit. I thought things were starting to look up for me. Nope. Ha. The few months after that, leading up till now have been disastrous in many ways, but I don't want to jinx anything so I won't say anything more.

It was just weird that on that specific night that owl came to me in the dead of the night and hooted a couple times to scare the crap out of me. This never happened again. I am probably looking WAY more into this than I should be, but hey, I like finding meaning in things that are arbitrary - it's one of the things that makes life fun.

Spirit Animals - Your Spiritual Guide

So, I know people think spirit animals are a joke, but for those who believe in that stuff, it helps keep you in tune with nature. The concept of spirit animals to me means having an animal as a spiritual guide. Animals have been on this earth a bit longer than we have and they follow a natural cycle that we humans have greatly interrupted. I feel sympathy for all animals and am drawn to their freedom and knowledge of the natural world.

I guess you find out your spirit animal when a specific animal comes to you constantly in your dreams or in real life a deer visits you frequently or a fox shows up at your doorstep every week. Usually the animal will be one that you feel a strong connection with or one that is your favorite animal. For example, my main spirit animal is a polar bear, but his buddies include the elephant and red panda.

I have many polar bear stuffed animals around my room and I feel particularly drawn to them; also, one visits me in my dreams at times. As for the elephant and red panda... I love elephants - I collect little figurines and stuffed animals, yes I'm 22, of them. The red panda has always fascinated me and always will even though it's on the brink of extinction (save the red pandas!) I guess I just feel a special connection with these three animals in specific.

• The elephant spirit represents gentle strength, loyalty, and love of family, partners and friends
• The polar bear spirit represents flexibility in terms of change - also is a creature of dreams
• The red panda spirit represents seeing through peoples masks or in other words, truthseekrs

A nice list that includes a variety of animals, visit this website as well as this one for a more complete list.

This may all sound silly, but there's something about an animal being a spirit guide that is so alluring and primitive. I don't know too much about this topic, but I do know spirit animals or spiritual guides stem from the Native American culture. This culture in general is fascinating enough, but being an animal lover myself, I am drawn to the idea of spirit animals.

Animals are so innocent and natural that it makes them great spiritual guides. These furry things are so pure and are themselves guided by nature, which is a good reason to follow them. To me, animals are better than humans and having an animal guide is a really cool concept - especially taking example from them because of their purity. Young children and animals are great sources of innocence which as we grow older, we lose that innocence. Humans strive for the things they don't have, so it makes sense that we look toward something that has what we want.

Basically, animals are cooler than humans and we need guidance in terms of spirituality and what better place to look than those furry creatures who know a bit more about nature than we do.

Side note: I wrote an earlier version of this post, but it got deleted, so this is what was left in my memory of the wonderfully written previous post. I'm a bit disappointed at my carelessness, but at least I remembered some of it. So if this post sounds a bit... unorganized, this is why! ):

I'm Graduating? What?

Yeah, I'm graduating in June. Graduating college. Going off into the real world. 

Many of my recent posts on here have been me freaking out about life after college, which is a valid fear because that life for new grads is full of the unknown. But it's mostly filled with unwanted babysitting jobs and living at your parent's house until you decide to get a higher degree in your chosen field. 

For me, this fate has been fast approaching. It's April now, and I graduate in one.. two... two months, not even. Wow that's terrifying. What's more terrifying is that everyone seems to have a plan.

What's my plan...? 

Well, my plan is procrastinating from making a plan. I had a plan - graduate school for clinical psychology. That plan got quickly crushed by realists who informed me that it is near impossible for a newly graduated undergrad student to get accepted into a PhD program in clinical psychology. Ok.

So, I played around with ideas about being a counselor of some sort and applying to a master's program. No, my brain wouldn't accept that. It wanted to go all the way - PhD. Thanks brain, for setting such an unrealistic goal for myself.

Whatever, so I've settled on taking a year off (let's see where this leads...) and hopefully I'll get involved in stuff that will boost my resume. Other than that, I've got nothing. I hope to find some sort of a job, probably babysitting, to make some money because grad school is expensive and maybe focus on the more artistic side of myself for a change. Grad school applications are due December 1st, so I got a full seven months to do this. Oh, why does that feel like it's not enough!?

Because it's not. 

Maybe I'll just become a writer and see where that takes me...

Poem 3

      Agoraphobia

I plunge into the ocean of my mind,

terrified of what I might find.

There in the depths are things

that should not be uncovered.

I lie awake at night and I’m drowning.

The thoughts crashing into me,

bringing me down.

I’m falling deeper and deeper.

As I pass through the layers of the ocean,

it’s getting harder to breathe.

I am suffocated by the water

that is filling my lungs.

Huge beasts, ten times my size

float around effortlessly –

Dancing and twirling gracefully.

They hover over me, mocking me.

I look right and I see blue.

I look left and I see blue.

Just ocean as far as the mind can see.

It never ends.

I can’t swim.

I can’t win.

Etsy Store!

I finally opened my own Etsy store! It's up and running and ready for people. Just click on my banner and it will take you to my page. I sell rings, and will soon add more as soon as I make more products. Also, these are made to order, so if you do not see anything in your size, just let me know and I will make it. Next to be posted in the near future are earrings.

This is all handmade with love by me (:

Please enjoy and if you have any suggestions, please let me know! I'll be sure to take them into consideration. I love doing projects and love ideas.

Moving Out and Moving On With Life

So, I guess this is like a part 2 to my previous post, but this one is more about the fears I have about being successful. I literally don't think I have the courage to leave my childhood home. That's so lame because everyone needs to leave eventually. I have been making all these plans and plans of plans and different versions of plans about where to move, what to do and blah blah. 

The basis of my two main plans are move to Minnesota or stay here and move to the city. That in itself is a hard decision. To leave the place I've called home and have grown comfortable with for 20 years or up and move to a new state completely and see where that journey takes me? I love Minnesota, I really do, and I would love to move there... but something is holding me back. Maybe it's uncertainty, maybe it's guilt. Guilt that I haven't spent enough time with my parents, guilt that I'm leaving them... this is what I talked about in my previous post. Do not guilt your children!! Because then they turn into me and won't leave home.

I've just gotten used to the city since I commute to school there everyday and I know Chicago has a lot of opportunities for psychologists, more so than Minnesota. But again, this is the only place I've known. I want to leave but I want to stay. I want to see if there is something more out there for me. I really don't like Chicago but I know I'll miss it when I move away. It's a comfort thing, too. I feel comfortable here because I know everything and if I move, I will know nothing.

But then again... my parents moved to a whole new country without knowing the language so who am I to talk about comfort and uncertainty..

I don't know what will make me most successful. I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I know I want to earn my PhD, but confusion has invaded my brain. At this point, I just want to stay at home and do nothing forever. College does this to you, I guess.

Can't Leave Nest Syndrome

We've all heard of Empty Nest syndrome - a phenomenon where a mother (or father?) feels sad or depressed, empty, when their child leaves for college or leaves the home. Well.. I think I may be experiencing the opposite. I think I'm experiencing Can't Leave Nest syndrome, where I'm too comfortable in my parents home and too afraid to spread my wings and fly. I'm like that one bird that never learned how to fly and just stays in the nest getting fat off of it's mom's worm vomit. Except in my case it's my moms cooking.

I guess a good reason for me wanting to stay, for now, is that I don't need to be anywhere else. I am finishing up my last year of college, so they're providing me with a roof over my head. I can imagine why others may be experiencing this made up phenomenon. The job market isn't the best now and young adults fresh out of college can't find jobs. However, I do think that once we become comfortable in the nest our parents have made, it's very hard to leave.

In high school many go through a rebellious phase where everyone just wants to get out of the house and says to their parents constantly: "When I turn 18 I'm gonna move out and you'll never see me agian!" Or at least that's what I said amidst bouts of anger. When we do go off to college or move out cuz we can, we experience the cold cruel world and either come out successful or crash and burn and want to go back home. I went away to college for my freshman year and I certainly experienced the second. I wasn't even really out in the real world, I was living in a dorm getting tuition, room and board, and food paid for by my dad; but even then, I realized I didn't want to be away from the nest.

The nest is comfortable. It's where we grew up, learned how to love, got our hearts broken, were comforted by our parents, etc. But it's the past. The future is full of new experiences, new memories and new people. We have our own nests to build now, we can't be crowding our parents nest. As much as I love my parents and the home I grew up in, there are certainly memories I want to leave behind and new memories I want to be made. Humans are meant to experience change, that's why we don't stay babies our whole lives. We develop into fully functioning adults (sometimes) who should be able to leave their nests!!

Part of the reason why I write this is because I am experiencing this little made up phenomenon and part of it is because I am finishing up my senior year of college with no expectations for the future. I hope to get a full time job and eventually move out and then go to grad school. But because of these feelings of Can't Leave Nest syndrome, I feel like I'm being held back.

Also, parents need to encourage their children to leave the nest. If parents are still holding their 20 something year old children by the leash, spoiling them with warm meals and presents all the time, the child will never leave because, well.. why would they. They have everything because the parents are providing everything. Parents!! Let your children go! If you have raised them right, they will repay you in the future. They will visit you and care for you and give you grandchildren, but they can't do that if you never let go of them in the first place. (Oh and don't make them feel guilty for leaving you to go make a life for themselves. They love you but need to leave the nest before their lives are ruined and they forever regress into childhood.)

Lack of Inspiration

I am having huge cravings to draw something.. anything, but for the life of me, I can't draw anything. Oh, it's the worst. I am so uninspired and unmotivated to do what I love. I even took a class this past quarter called "Creativity and Inspiration." That's how desperate I am to get inspired again. I guess it stems from my fear of not being good enough. (There's my inner psychologist talking..) Perfection can really hinder progress of any sort.

For example, when I start drawing something I, like many others, get frustrated when my line is shaky or my line drawing looks nothing like I wanted it to. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I just wing it and take it as it is, but most of the time I start and end very soon because of that frustration. I would give anything to just not give a care in the world and just draw my heart out - that is how you get better at something.. practice. How can I practice if I'm so afraid of failure?

This dumb fear is keeping me from doing something I love. Go away fear. Let me draw. ):

I have so many ideas, so many plans of drawing beautiful works of art, but they can never come to fruition if I don't face my fear. Maybe this winter break I can finally face that fear.

Winter Break

This is my third day on break and I managed to go Christmas shopping (kind of), spend more time with my mom than I would have in a whole year, and lose a lot of money by buying things that I'll probably never use. I've also been very lazy (if you can't tell), which isn't exactly the way I wanted to start this break. 

I am very fortunate to have such a long break but unfortunate that I'm the type of person that can waste away a whole 6 weeks and then regret it painfully. I don't want to waste this wonderful free time! I never get this much time to just read or write or actually do things I want to do. I've been working hard at finishing my last year of college. I became president of a group on campus that advises psychology students, and I've taken on quite a large course load for a senior. Not to mention I've been an intern and have a part-time job. I know, I know, other people do SO much more.. and I respect them and would never put myself through more than I'm doing now. The load I've taken on was abrupt and I basically didn't know what I was getting myself into. I went from having a lazy summer to doing a million things at once. Definitely a reality check. 

My job is a basic retail job that I should have gotten when I was 16, not 21.. but hey, I did say when I turned 21 I would do things I'd never done. I'm doing just that.. just different things than I thought I'd be doing. I thought I'd have enough Christmas money by now but I was wrong because I have terrible money management skills and part time jobs don't care about you making enough Christmas money because you screwed up. My fault, ugh. It's just sad that the people I wanted to feel special this season have to suffer because of my stupidity.

On a happier note, I get to see Disney's Frozen tomorrow with Ryan!!!! I'm so excited.. I've been waiting for this movie for like 6 months. I found out about it browsing IMDB and ran into it by accident. The only thing it had in the description was that it was based off of the story "The Snow Queen," so naturally I freaked out and that started a 6 month craze. It better be good, Disney...

After the hopefully wonderful and life changing movie, I will be going to Ryan's for Thanksgiving dinner with his dad. Yay food (: The day after, we're staying with my family and having a Thanksgiving here. Yay more food, I think.. And of course, after the dinner, we'll be putting up the Christmas tree. I already have things to put under it because I'm crazy. 

Oh, I just can't wait for Christmas. The season to be jolly is upon us and I'm so excited. Hopefully, my laziness will wear off and I'll want to do more fun things. A few things on my list include going to the city, going ice skating and getting my favorite Starbucks drink.

Hectic

I thought during the summer I'd have so much time to myself to write posts, read books and just relax all the time but I was very wrong. This being my last year of college, summer has been full of things to do and opportunities to take advantage of. I got an internship which I started a couple weeks ago and I had a few babysitting jobs here and there. I also got offered a job at DSW, which is a shoe store, that I've been applying to on and off for a few years. These are very exciting events, just stressful and time consuming. So, I haven't had much time to myself, especially during these past few weeks.

My last first day of college starts September 11th and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It will be my last year and I have piled up a bunch of stuff in my schedule. I am going to be a peer advisor in the psychology department and I accepted the Secretary position in the little peer advisor group, so that just more responsibilities. It should be exciting though and I feel like the fact that I'm going outside of my comfort zone is a good thing. I've always kept to myself and haven't really been very active in school club-wise or social-wise, so this should be good for me, not to mention it'll help make me look good on my resume (:

On another note, I am counting down the days until Fall starts... summer is kicking my butt. It is insanely hot and humid here, so the second those leaves start falling off the trees I will jump for joy and put on my favorite leggings and sweater and make myself the biggest and best cup of tea ever. I have a bunch of things planned for the Fall and I hope to actually get things done, like go to a corn maze and go pumpkin picking, things like that. Ryan and I are going to two Bears games this year, so far, so that should be exciting... hopefully they actually win. But again, I'm hoping the weather will be a bit more friendly. I can't wait until I get to wear my boots again.

There's a lot happening in my life now, so updates will be imminent. (:

I just wish I could get a few minutes of me time.. time to breathe. I am trying to slowly come back to my spirituality, but it's really hard when there's no time for it. I am attempting to learn to meditate, so we'll see how that goes. I guess meditation is good for stress and heart health, and those are definitely things I need to fix.. Also, working out is something I just can't figure out how to fit into my schedule... or eating right. I'm kinda just focused on school and work at the moment... and ugh, school hasn't even started yet. Maybe, when it does I'll be able to find some sort of balance between everything.

I've been watching Teen Mom 3 on MTV lately and I cannot figure out how those poor girls are keeping it together.. I don't have a child, and I can't imagine how hard life would be when you have to take care of another human being who is so helpless and dependent on you. I babysit, but that's nothing like having a child of your own and those 16-18 year old girls are doing it almost all on their own. I feel bad for them but I guess you get what you ask for, they decided to take risks of sorts and had to accept the consequences, it's just too bad those consequences are so life changing. Especially when they still have school and work to attend to, it just blows my mind how young mothers or even single mothers do it all while keeping a sense of sanity still. I think every mother deserves a medal or something...

But anyway, life is hard, blah blah blah.. hopefully mine will become less hectic, or at least a bit more manageable soon.